Issue Six of Kill Pretty features a story of sex, aliens, and Teletubbies from the one and only Steve Torres. It’s best if you just read this very horny excerpt and then purchase a couple of copies of the magazine. If you’re a fed or another Teletubby fetishist, please reach out to Steve personally and not the Kill Pretty staff (we rarely check our email).
Read MoreIf you’re reading this it’s because a small part of you believes that not only are you uncool, but you’re extremely uninteresting. Or maybe just boring. Here are Kill Pretty we do everything we can to make the world a more outrageous/strange/fun/stupid place, which makes us both exciting and cool. We don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it goes. Heck, we’re not even typing this right now, that’s how much we don’t need to read this article. The article is being “written” by speaking into a robot constructed specifically to deal with anything uncool. Let’s just cut to the chase. There’s nothing cooler than brevity.
Read MoreI was 15 when I developed a fetish for nuns. No, I wasn’t biting my thumb getting spanked in catholic school (I wish!). I rented a vhs called Ms .45. It was a rape revenge story about a mute woman who is raped twice on her way home from work and decides to kill all sleazy men. In the last scene she goes to a Halloween party dressed as a nun and it’s one of the sexiest scenes in movie history. Ever since that moment I’ve had a thing for nuns.
Read MoreSexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
1. From now until October 1 butts are to be referred to as a “Golden Corral” because they’re all you can eat.
2. Ear wax, is it lube? Maybe.
Read MoreSexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Only use the terms “mommy” and “daddy” sparingly, specifically when you’re fucking your mommy or your daddy.
Refer to your underwear as “the place where boners sleep.”
The TSA can’t get mad at you for fucking in airport if you do it in the X-Ray scanner.
It’s technically cyber sex if you leave your laptop on your bed while you get weird.
Put your girlfriend in a rubber mask. Then put yourself in a rubber mask. Then put your mother in a rubber mask. And then have sex I guess.
Refer to your bedroom as the “fuck palace” or “boner world” if you never want to have sex again.
Twisting your penis up with three or more penises is what’s known as a “Vine Compilation.”
Twisting your penis up with three or more penises belonging to guys named Vince is what’s known as a “Vince Compilation.”
If their SAT scores are below 700 then don’t fuck them. Is that low? High? I actually haven’t taken the SATs.
Eat a peach after sex if you want to get covered in even more juice.
Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Read MoreThis new column from sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James, is a monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice by the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James. James didn’t have time for a sit down interview, but he did email 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.
Gentlemen, change the color of your semen by ingesting different colors of paint.
Get over that pesky refractory period by punching yourself in the dick until you’re hard again.
Guys, if you really want to prove that you’re a feminist you should eat your own cum, then email me about it.
Looking for a new position? Try “the human light switch.” That’s where you get up and turn on the lights before having missionary sex.
Legally adopt whomever you’re sleeping with.
Tell your new partner that you’re a virgin. That way no matter how bad you are in the sack they’ll be like, “Aw man he’s pretty good for a guy in his 30s who’s never had sex.”
Don’t be a chump, remember the difference between Asexuals and Eh-sexuals (one of them is from Canada).
It’s easier to eat pussy when using a metronome.
Fucking a short guy while riding public transit is known as the “metro gnome.”
Are you hung like a horse? You might actually be a horse. How are you reading this, horse?
Mobile dating apps, while still in their infancy, have taken over the hearts, minds and fingers of almost everyone lucky enough to possess a smart device. Countless hours spent mining the minuta of potential partners, the details of datability, the chemistry, the compatibility, the instinct, the emotion. So many possibilities, so many paths to choose. One after another after another, in rapid fire, with little time to decode each decision. As quick as each flick may be, however, there is most certainly a science, if not an art, to the all-powerful, all-knowing swipe.
Read MoreFirst off, congratulations to the woman who went and got her pussy eaten right on stage at a Solona Beach Dead Kennedys concert Thursday night.
Read MoreAbout eight years ago, when my insecurity with women and desire to get laid still outweighed my determination to preserve my dignity, I went on a double-date and discovered what a double-date is. You might think you know the meaning of the term but you haven’t a clue...
Read More
MELBOURNE, Fla. -
A Melbourne man offered to pay an undercover female police officer $3 and a chicken dinner in exchange for sex, according to police.Steven Torres, 32, was arrested Thursday in Sanford on charges of soliciting prostitution. According to police, Torres was one of seven men arrested during a Sanford police prostitution sting.
The officer posed as a prostitute near South 27th Street and South Orlando Drive, police said. Torres agreed to exchange chicken and cash for sex after a brief conversation, police said.
Torres was taken to jail but was later released on bond. He will be arraigned Dec. 1 at the Seminole County Courthouse.
Kill Pretty is a lifestyle, entertainment, humor, graffiti magazine.
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