“Never again” is a phrase that you should utter with decreasing frequency as you mature: You should learn from your mistakes. When you’re a kid, the world is full of sparkly phenomena, and you have not yet accrued enough disappointments to employ skepticism in investigating the seemingly endless sources of sparkle. When you’re nine-years-old, for instance, you may not have yet learned that candied apples are detestable pieces of shit.
Read More
I once regarded the process of buying or leasing a car with the highest level of contempt. I hated everything about it: the hours upon hours of waiting in the most dismally commercial settings, the utter dishonesty that would reveal itself in the experience of comparing one’s research about any particular car with the sales staff’s unabashedly spouted malarkey about said car and, finally, the sales staff itself. I would, in most cases, rather spend time with convicted felons than with car salesmen. What a useless breed of wretched, revolting shitheads.
Read More
Good evening. What follows is a ghastly gaze into the mind of a troubled narcissist with a penchant for masturbatory fantasies of 1970's-inspired guitar solos and a thirst for imaginary applause from crowds of 1960's mobs of hysterical, Beatlemaniacal women. The anachronism between the musical genre with which my guitar solo is identified and my female crowd should further emphasize the extent of my bombast; this is going to get ugly. Also, anyone who doesn't like it can, to quote Eddie Murphy quoting his dad in Delirious, "Get the fuck out." So, please, if you possess neither the nerve nor the stomach to tolerate and understand this very honest specimen of my admittedly common thought process, there's still time to escape.
Read More"2070 Paradigm Shift" Sam Hyde is a video journalist and documentary filmmaker from Brooklyn, New York. His work spans every continent and has been featured on television and in print (Discovery, NatGeo, Vice, and others).
I don't like to brag but, for someone who has not yet turned thirty - or forty, for that matter - I've had quite a few prostate and rectal exams. As a result, I now approach the prospect of undergoing such exams with relative ease. I also fancy myself something of a connoisseur in the domain of bowel movement regularity as a "haver" of IBS. In fact, a separate blog entry may have to be devoted to this topic exclusively, as my knowledge of dietary fiber sources, stool softeners and laxatives, as well as of coping with cramps and flatulence, can hardly be contained in the confines of a modest paragraph. Those of you who cannot bear to wait for my next article to be enlightened by my scatological expertise are encouraged to contact me privately. Please include the phrase "help me shit" in the subject line of your email.
Read More
About eight years ago, when my insecurity with women and desire to get laid still outweighed my determination to preserve my dignity, I went on a double-date and discovered what a double-date is. You might think you know the meaning of the term but you haven’t a clue...
Read More
A few weeks ago, I woke up in one of my "disrupt the universe, fuck up the system" moods, which can start with eating a different type of cereal for breakfast and end with making the foreign guy at work profoundly uncomfortable by engaging him in a deep and an earnest discussion about my sex life. This type of mood generally strikes me when I'm bored or constipated, or, heaven forbid, when I’ve managed to achieve both boredom and constipation.
Read MoreKill Pretty is a lifestyle, entertainment, humor, graffiti magazine.
INSTAGRAM @KILLPRETTYMAG:
