Okay everyone relax. Seriously. Just be cool. You have to be chill because the rooster is here and he's super pissed!
FUCK! This was always going to happen but why is it happening today? Ugh. Why is the rooster so mad? Did you do something to the rooster? You did, didn't you?
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Maybe you don't read the memos we send out or maybe you're just a fan of flaunting the rules, but like it or not we're under the ownership of a corporation with global reach and that extends to the supply room. You know, the supply room where you did that thing. Yeah dude, everybody knows and corporate is pissed.
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Every month Kill Pretty chooses one of our beloved workers to be Employee of the Month, isn’t that great? In issue five we gave the spotlight to Brian Thompson, which was a mistake.
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If you’re reading this it’s because a small part of you believes that not only are you uncool, but you’re extremely uninteresting. Or maybe just boring. Here are Kill Pretty we do everything we can to make the world a more outrageous/strange/fun/stupid place, which makes us both exciting and cool. We don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it goes. Heck, we’re not even typing this right now, that’s how much we don’t need to read this article. The article is being “written” by speaking into a robot constructed specifically to deal with anything uncool. Let’s just cut to the chase. There’s nothing cooler than brevity.
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Roy’s been living with your mother for seven years even though they’ve been married for five. Everything about his lanky body and ape-like posture rub you the wrong way, but really it’s the way he celebrates Christmas that turns you off. You definitely hate the way he makes everyone open their presents one by one, and how he insists on wearing a Santa hat and beard and shoving a bowl full of jelly down his shirt when he hands gifts out, but there are five Christmas traditions that he keeps to himself, and for good reason.
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Standard Halloween practice says that you shouldn’t eat all of your Halloween candy within the first week of October. Not only does Halloween candy cost upwards of ten bones per bag, but if eaten in one sitting (hypothetically while watching two episodes of Selling Sunset on Netflix) your stomach runs the risk of falling out of your body and suing you for gross negligence.
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The home video market fucked up when they began producing DVDs. What do I want an animated menu for? Director or (even worse) cast commentary? Drop that shit in a bucket of radioactive waste. No one cares what happened at craft services on the day you filmed the climactic fight scene between Mickey Rourke and a tiger.
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It’s not hard to buy a gorilla. With the internet things are so easy you just point and click and then a week later there’s a guy asking you to sign for your giant refrigerated box that has a giant dead gorilla inside. Things are easier now. Only 10 years ago I would have had to go to a zoo and kill my own gorilla, now they’re just available on Amazon.
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It’s a stressful world out there; people are worried about politics, the Earth heating up, the Earth cooling down, the fact that you’re in your 30s and haven’t been to the dentist in over a decade, and people with breaking into our homes and stabbing us in our sleep. Sometimes you just need a nice place on the internet, somewhere you can relax and forget about your day to day problems. That’s why we’ve put together this collection of four soothing photos and one with a guy who wrapped himself in toilet paper before climbing the stairs to your bedroom. We don’t know how it got here but we can’t figure out how to delete it. Try not to look at that one.
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One of the most recognizable fast food brands has opted for a bold new campaign strategy, one which changes the way its diners associates the company’s product with just being a kid. McDonald’s has launched a new ad campaign that claims little boys who chow down on Chicken McNuggets three to five times a week will grow big and strong like Ronald McDonald, and that they might even be stronger than their daddies if they eat enough.
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Fans of love and/or sandwiches should stop everything they’re doing right now and shove their faces directly into their computer minute, because this news story directly correlates to those two things. This man, Chester Forntothington has announced that he recently married his favorite sandwich and that they’re retiring to desert to live out the rest of their lives.
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Hour seven of walking through a warehouse the size of six Costcos is when you start to lose your mind. Forklifts whiz by, their drivers wearing an orange vest honk at you to get out of their way, and at least one of them slapped my arm with a plastic ruler when I tried to hop on the back of his little truck. I just wanted freedom, it didn’t matter how I released from my box lined prison.
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