Standard Halloween practice says that you shouldn’t eat all of your Halloween candy within the first week of October. Not only does Halloween candy cost upwards of ten bones per bag, but if eaten in one sitting (hypothetically while watching two episodes of Selling Sunset on Netflix) your stomach runs the risk of falling out of your body and suing you for gross negligence.
Read MoreDo you smell that? The apple cider in the air? Do you hear the rustle of plastic masks outside your door? No? That’s because everyone knows that you have the worst candy on the block. You might as well be giving out pennies, that’s the kind of scum that your neighbors think you are. If you want to be able to look the neighborhood kids in the eye tomorrow while you clean the toilet paper from your trees you better buy the good stuff. Thank Christ we’re here to tell you what to do.
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