Terrible Fucking Advice by Murdock St. James

This new column from sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James, is a monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice by the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James. James didn’t have time for a sit down interview, but he did email 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

1. Gentlemen, change the color of your semen by ingesting different colors of paint.

2. Get over that pesky refractory period by punching yourself in the dick until you’re hard again.

3. Guys, if you really want to prove that you’re a feminist you should eat your own cum, then email me about it.

4. Looking for a new position? Try “the human light switch.” That’s where you get up and turn on the lights before having missionary sex.

5. Legally adopt whomever you’re sleeping with.

6. Tell your new partner that you’re a virgin. That way no matter how bad you are in the sack they’ll be like, “Aw man he’s pretty good for a guy in his 30s who’s never had sex.”

7. Don’t be a chump, remember the difference between Asexuals and Eh-sexuals (one of them is from Canada).

8. It’s easier to eat pussy when using a metronome.

9. Fucking a short guy while riding public transit is known as the “metro gnome.”

10. Are you hung like a horse? You might actually be a horse. How are you reading this, horse?