Heartburn Forever

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Every time I go to a fast food restaurant, it reminds me of certain painful interactions and with women from my past. As a poor person in Los Angeles, fast food is the most logical choice for my meals like 20% of the time. I eat it for survival and I know it’s fucked up, but fast food culture is ubiquitous here.

It’s different in Massachusetts. In my youth, fast food was used to mark a really special occasion. We used to have great birthday parties at McDonald’s. Or Burger King if the kid’s family had a good year fiscally. I really view Burger King as a treat and a legitimate meal to boot. Wendy’s is a different story. My family still has significant sit down dinners at Wendy’s. These are rich people, now. Like, these days, they have the wherewithal to go get 20 dollar burgers. But they’re still eating Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

McDonald’s, though obviously the shitties of the bunch, has really good pickle and ketchup chemicals. Burger King has crispy lettuce and nice mayo. Wendy’s, I mean come on, Wendy’s is a place I can’t even really admit is shitty. I have nothing bad to say about Wendy’s. They even make their burgers into shapes! So when I tell you my first time at In-N-Out was divine for me, I’m not lying. It was like… it was like eating freshly showered pussy for the first time. I shit you not. It’s like, the more you eat the better it tastes, and you can’t stop drooling or thinking about the next bite but at the same time you’re transported to a place and mindeset wherein you’re not aware of the future or the past, desire, or regret. You’re just there eating a burger/pussy, which is technically the entire point of America.

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Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.

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Corner Store Critique: Larry the Cable Guy's "GIT-R-DONE GRUB" Biscuits n' Gravy

Corner Store Critique: Larry the Cable Guy's "GIT-R-DONE GRUB" Biscuits n' Gravy

Purchasing:
I first stumbled across the meals about 6 months ago at The Dollar Tree, because of course they're sold there. This is a prime marketing example of supply and demand and really knowing your demographic. Everyone at The Dollar Tree at the time of purchase looked like walking bags of flour that have been mainlining bacon grease, and they all walked like they were chafing between the legs. A+ to Larry's team for nailing this one on the head.

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A Quick Burst Of Rage

Art by Meg Litter

Art by Meg Litter

I fucking hate ordering fast food.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never got an order correct. EVER!!!!!!!! I have lived here my entire life and that’s a long time for them to get my McChicken “plain” down. No mayo, no lettuce. Fuck you.

I just went to Burger King and got a 10 piece McNugget…..sorry, regular nugget and asked for sweet and sour sauce and they gave me two honey-mustards. GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT!!!! You stupid motherfuckers. Do you know how much I hate honey-mustard? You must be doing this shit on fucking purpose because you execute it so perfectly. It’d be different if I got an extra milkshake or the coveted curly fry among the regs. But no. You leave out a taco or give me FUCKING HONEY-MUSTARD!!!!!

I know what you’re thinking. I like honey-mustard. Fuck you. I hate it. I hate ranch too. Regular honey, ketchup, barbeque, sweet and sour! That’s how I role. Fuck ranch. And why can’t I walk through the drive-thru?  You think you’re better than me cuz you have a car?! Every fucking time they leave something out. And I’m too fucking stoned or drunk and I sit on it and say, “Oh well, this is the norm.”.  And fuck, it is the norm. I want my fucking order to be correct for once.

This is horseshit.