August 08, 2022

An Excerpt From Who Is Montezuma And Why Does He Take Revenge On My Asshole?

August 08, 2022/ mattsweder

I’m standing in line, waiting, on my way home from the bar, subtly swaying back and forth with my feet planted like cinder blocks at the bottom of the lake. It could be a minor pee-pee dance or just something to keep me distracted from the spins – I’m not entirely sure at this point. I’m just trying to maintain my composure. It’s almost my turn to order. I’m watching the couple in front of me, their arms intertwined with each other’s bodies as they order their food by numbers. They complete the transaction and move aside. It’s my turn.

March 05, 2021

I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

March 05, 2021/ Jacob Shelton

One year into the pandemic and it’s finally happening, I’m getting a vaccine. More to the point, I’m making my own vaccine with the help of the fine folks at Taco Bell. After months of back and forth with Yum Brands (of which Taco Bell is a subsidiary) I can finally announce that my personal vaccine will be available in three variations. But Jacob, you’re not a scientist. I know, that’s why my vaccine is going to be better than those available on the market at the moment. Dare I say that it’s going to rock? I do dare.

January 10, 2020

Five Obscure Taco Bell Items That Need To Come Back

January 10, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Taco Bell, the purveyors of fourth meal, feeders of stoners, teens, and stoned teens everywhere have no shortage of sodium-pumped delicacies waiting to be covered in Hot or Fire Sauce (or Mild, if you’re one of those people), before being shoved down your gullet. From time to time Taco Bell rolls out a new treat that’s so wonderful, so enticing that it’s too good for this world. Sometimes they’re local oddities, in other cases they’re national experiments that come and go in the span of a summer. Taco Bell may be the greatest fast food restaurant in the universe, but they’ll never win our undying love until they bring back these obscure menu items.

April 22, 2016

No, I do not want your soft taco - By Jacob Shelton

April 22, 2016/ Jacob Shelton

I appreciate what you’re trying to do Steven, I really do, but why don’t you hold on to that soft taco? It’s not that I’m not hungry, because it is lunch time and, admittedly, I get very hungry around this time of day. It’s just that I don’t want the soft taco that’s been sitting in the passenger seat of your Volvo for God knows how long. Yes, I’m aware that it hasn’t been baking under the rays of the sun, magnified by your non-tinted windows (I didn’t even know they made windows without tint anymore) for more than twenty minutes, but still.