Frog Reviews By Sarah Lew, An Excerpt

Frog Reviews By Sarah Lew, An Excerpt

Does issue six of Kill Pretty feature long form interviews with graffiti icons, horror game changers, and obscure comic book artists? Absolutely. But the question you’re not asking is, does issue six of Kill Pretty feature reviews of different frogs? Hell yes it does. We’ve included a couple of these necessary and important reviews below, but you’ve got to buy the magazine to see how the rest of the frog community holds up.

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The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton

The Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival by Jacob Shelton

Everyone in the pork tent is dressed to the nines, or rather, their version of being dressed to the nines. From my vantage point near a slowly revolving al pastor cyclone I try to count the number of salmon bow ties, tweed suit jackets, and cool linen suits topped off with tennis shoes, but it’s a futile endeavor. Everyone is whispering about Alton Brown’s egg tutorial that’s taking place later in the evening. “He’s coming,” they say. When I was given a free ticket to cover the Los Angeles Food & Wine Festival I assumed it would be an easy in and out gig where I could cobble together a free dinner made up of slightly upscale street cart food, get drunk, and walk home, but instead I’m standing by a spinning tower of meat, and trying to find the clearest path to an exit. I’ll make something up once I get home. It’s not like I didn’t try to cover the festival. This just isn’t the place for me, and I’ve already used up my two drink tickets. None of the other writers covering the event seem to know where the gratis tent for journalists is hidden, and there are rumors floating around about someone from the LA Times being sent out on a stretcher after they were tasered within an inch of their life for bringing in a flask.

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Corner Store Critique: Larry the Cable Guy's "GIT-R-DONE GRUB" Biscuits n' Gravy

Corner Store Critique: Larry the Cable Guy's "GIT-R-DONE GRUB" Biscuits n' Gravy

Purchasing:
I first stumbled across the meals about 6 months ago at The Dollar Tree, because of course they're sold there. This is a prime marketing example of supply and demand and really knowing your demographic. Everyone at The Dollar Tree at the time of purchase looked like walking bags of flour that have been mainlining bacon grease, and they all walked like they were chafing between the legs. A+ to Larry's team for nailing this one on the head.

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Sony SLV N-88 Review

Where I grew up, Christmas was cold. God jizzed from the sky and everything was covered in a beautiful white. Then Christmas would arrive and we'd open presents, drink hot chocolate, and huddle around the fire. Fights between my mom and dad were almost inevitable. We'd eat some ham, followed by more fights, and then eat some pies. And then it was over.

Christmas in Los Angeles is weird. It's warm, it's sunny, and there's no noticeable difference from summer. Except that the sun sets a hell of a lot earlier. So when I hear Christmas music blaring from the shops as I pass by, it pisses me off. Mainly because I hate Christmas music, but also because I keep thinking it's June. Or July. August. And I think, "who the fuck is playing Christmas music in the middle of August?"

art by Tomas Brewer

art by Tomas Brewer


I'm walking down the street in a red velvet suit and a dirtied white beard around my neck like a necklace because I have no idea what I got into last night. Stumbling past the open doors of stores playing Carol of the Bells and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, children are coming up to me with their lists of toys they hope to see under the tree. I'm halfway through my cigarette, holding my bottle in a brown paper bag, telling this one kid he's a spoiled, greedy, little brat and trying to figure out why his mom is letting him talk to me. But then I notice she's playing on her cell phone and couldn't give a fuck about her son.

After I flick my cigarette toward his mom and tell the kid to fuck off, I make my way to the Goodwill because, you know, it's sort of my job.

Browsing the aisles, I hear a small Mexican child shout, "Santa!"

"Sorry, Pedro," I say. "I'm an impostor," and I pull the beard up over my face, gesturing to keep quiet with my index finger over my lips.

I go to the clothing section and trade my costume for a three piece suit, undressing right there. A clerk yells at me and tells me I can't try on the clothes in the middle of the store. I hold up a ten and he backs off.

I put my Santa suit on the hanger and put it on the rack and head over to the electronics. I grab a VCR off the shelf and go to check out.

I pay four dollars for the VCR and walk out, totally forgetting to pay for the suit.

ADDENDUM: The VCR is a Sony SLV N-88. I don't know shit about it. I don't own a TV. But the suit is nice. Pinstripes. If only it fit right.

How I Fucked Your Mother

Art by TV CAT

Art by TV CAT

I've been thinking a lot about how shitty How I Met Your Mother is recently. At work I’m forced to watch shows like this with laugh tracks by my zombie co-workers and it's so fucking unfunny you find yourself standing there with your jaw dropped like you’re watching old people argue about tattoos on Fox News.

The fact that garbage like this is one of the number one shows in America and the show had an average of 9.42 million viewers just for season 4 blows my mind. I mean I know people are dumb but you can tell even the actors hate their own show. You know $20,000 a week is considered a very low paying position acting on a sitcom? Don’t fool yourself, this is a paycheck for them. Nothing more.

I think the gap between audiences that watch Big Bang Theory instead of The Wire will get bigger and bigger until there are two classes of media junkies. The Smart People and The Dumb People.

At first it will be great. The Smart People will make awesome shit like Breaking Bad or Curb Your Enthusiasm and we can all ignore all The Dumb People channels. But the problem is The Dumb People will have funny shit that The Smart People wanna see. Eventually The Smart People think it's funny and ironic to imitate The Dumb People and The Dumb People will do the Scary Movie Six of Smart People movies until The Smart People are stuck loving The Dumb People shit and then The Dumb People keep making dumb shit until it's all just dumb.

One Sentence Album Reviews

One Sentence Album Reviews

As a Kill Pretty columnist and freelance writer I’m tasked with typing millions of words a day. Expecting me to take more than ten minutes to review all of the new music that’s come out in the last week/month/decided upon amount of time is Dickensian. If you’d like me to spend more time with your album please email sup@killprettymagazine.com to set up a specific amount of cash that you’d be willing to spend on a nice review and we’ll take care of the rest.

CLICK HERE TO READ MY IRREVERENT MUSICAL OPINIONS

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