Corner Store Critique: Larry the Cable Guy's "GIT-R-DONE GRUB" Biscuits n' Gravy

Purchasing:
I first stumbled across the meals about 6 months ago at The Dollar Tree, because of course they're sold there. This is a prime marketing example of supply and demand and really knowing your demographic. Everyone at The Dollar Tree at the time of purchase looked like walking bags of flour that have been mainlining bacon grease, and they all walked like they were chafing between the legs. A+ to Larry's team for nailing this one on the head.

Packaging:
Larry is standing in front of a blue barn with a gleaming smile (of what I'm assuming are premature dentures) with a flannel shirt and the sleeves have been ripped (I'm assuming wild deer chewed them off while he was hunting) and a camouflage cap that says "GIT-R-DONE" on the front. He is pointing his finger right at me, which I suppose is meant to be inviting or American or something. His skin is glowing and his cheeks are rosy. He looks like a "Good morning, Appalachia! I've got an extra thumb and a mighty fine daughter" superstar in this shot. It really is a beautiful portrait of him. The peel back corner says "OPEN GRUB HERE."

It's also important to note that the package informs you that each purchase supports the Git R Done Foundation. This intrigued me most of all. Apparently the Git R Done Foundation donates to Equine Therapy. If you don't know what Equine Therapy is (I didn't), it's basically that thing where you stand in the middle of a dirt ring and the horse jogs circles around you and you jump on it I think. Except, you're crazy and your therapist is watching and it's supposed to help you calm down I guess. I didn't really care enough to read in depth about it. I just skimmed really, I personally think quadrupeds are big time boring. Good for them though.

Taste:
Salt. So, SO salty. This tastes exactly how I imagine his skin would taste if you ever licked his face. And the gravy just had that taste of powdered milk. There was a little kick in there somewhere of some sort of spice but it was heavily masked by sodium. Notes of ball sweat and bible study drama. I'm sure you know how microwaved bread is. Chewy and tough and dry but also soggy. Just bad. Pretty much what you would expect.

Thoughts during consumption:
I wonder if Larry actually eats this? If so, does he take his chewing tobacco out of his mouth before he eats? I wonder if his deaf brother has tried this? I wonder if the people that Larry goes to church with all come up to him after the service and tell him they love his cuisine just because they want to be friends with him because he's wealthy. Larry the Cable Guy thinks that "boy shorts" at Victoria's Secret are actually for boys and wrote a routine about how his balls hung out the sides when he tried them on. Larry the Cable Guy's balls. Larry the Cable Guy's armpits. Larry the Cable Guy's armpit hang-moles. Sweat beads dripping off Larry the Cable Guys' armpit hang-moles into the food. Larry the Cable Guy camping for three weeks while on hiatus and bathing in the river and getting dick cheese. Holy shit, there has never been a more unappetizing man to design meals after and I really cannot eat this. Do I give it to the dogs or throw it away? Throw it away because if the dogs die in a few hours you'll never forgive yourself.

Overall Analysis:

This is shit you do not ever eat. If I'm not shitting blood by tomorrow from eating this, I'll start shitting blood out of pure shock. Either way, I would avoid the unsoothed asshole and just get peanut butter crackers or whatever else costs $1. I feel bad for being so harsh because he's probably big time learning disabled but this is very, very bad. I would rate this meal 2 out of 10 shirtsleeves.