THE GLUNKERWUNK, A Fairy Tale

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THE GLUNKERWUNK, A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a noble prince. He really enjoyed saving princesses. He saved them all day long, in this land and that. Then one day a dark cloud appeared over the prince’s land. It clouded all that was good and he was no longer able to see what princesses to save. He grew sad and bored. He wished for his passion to return.

 

Then one day a mysterious beast appeared. The Glunkerwunk. He GLUNKED, then WUNKED, then GLUNKERWUNKED through the castle gates. The Glunkerwunk told the prince that if he could look inside and see himself for what he truly was then he could lift the curse from his kingdom. The prince laughed. He did not believe him for he was arrogant and saw himself without flaw. So the Glunkerwunk left and the kingdom was sad.

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Nongshim’s Bowl Noodle Soup-Lobster Edition

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Just when you got through telling yourself all the cup o noodle flavors had been done(except sardine flavor! Where’s the sardine flavor?) and that random asian sounding company couldn’t possible surprise you with anything new. SURPRISE! New Flavor sirry American *said in stereotypical chinese guy voice*.

Lobster flavored noodles have made their way to a dusty liquor store shelf near you. Not to imply that this is a new item. Most likely this flavor has been around for years, but you never come across it because nobody that you want to friends with would ever buy it. But it’s there. Lurking in the neglected recesses that most people are too frightened to stroll through.

Lobster flavor, freeze dried imitation crab, clam, cuttlefish, oysters, sea squirt(whatever that is), and shrimp extract all combine together to produce one fantastic bouquet. Yum! As I tried to down my meal, a warm aroma wafted to my face that reminded me of my grandmothers used socks or what I imagine halitosis would smell like. As I reached out to take my first bite, my nose hairs curled, sweat beads formed on my brow, and my hand holding the fork began to tremble. Each salty bite was like chewing on rat intestines with lovely little morsels of imitation crab scattered throughout to liven the party. My only salvation was the gulps of water in between bites to cleanse my palate as quickly as possible.  

 

All in all, the noodles were as they always are, resembling cardboard and lacking all the extra fixins that are in the photo on the package. But I was treated with an unexpected plus side. For the health nuts out there, each bowl contains no “added” MSG and 0 Trans Fats. Woot! My mind can rest at ease now.

A final piece of advice for those of you planning on consuming one of these delightful delectables in your house. Have air some air freshener and some scented wall plug-ins handy ‘cuz yo’ house gonna stank. I’d say use the microwave at work, but then you’ll lose what few friends you have there and people will probably give you a mean nickname that they call you behind your back. Like Smelly Sally or Pungent Pete.

 

And don’t throw the container away in your house. That’s bad too. Toss it your neighbor’s trash can and light it on fire for good measure.

 

 


I give this item 3 out of 10 lobster bibs.

 

 

My Fuck-It List by Mr. Rich

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My Fuck-It List by Mr. Rich

10. Raise a cow from birth, love it, name it Daisy, feed it only the best grass and shit that cows eat, read it bed time stories, build it a nice warm barn for it to live in, put a tv with cable out there so it can watch cartoons or whatever cows like, and then a year later...BOOM! Shoot that thing in the head, have it butchered, and enjoy all the my delicious meats for the next year to come.

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The Roadie by Mr. Rich

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The Roadie by Mr. Rich

So I started being a roadie in the 70’s. I had knack for it.

I was really good and picking amps up. Putting amps down. Plugging shit in.

I toured with Goat Sack, Father Of The Goat, and If You Had A Goat You’d Be Here By Now.

I’m sure you’ve heard of them.

 

 

Then in 1974 my buddy said he had a gig for me doin’ shit for a band called Van Hellen.

 

I had never heard of them.

But the name sounded cool.

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Dear Time Magazine,

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Dear Time Magazine,

Dear Time Magazine,

Please hear my case.

When all logic escapes out the window what do you do?

Everyone has had that moment where you open a drawer and what you are looking for isn’t there. Or your phone or keys aren’t where you left them. But we accept these things. But what about when your significant other morphs into an 8 foot tall monster with 4 arms and 2 mouths?

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25 MORE Important Things to Know By Jordan Rich

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25 MORE Important Things to Know By Jordan Rich

26 - Do not aspire to be a pro Frolfer. 

27 -  Watch "Flight of The Navigator".

28 - Toothpaste is poisonous. So stop eating it!

29 - Watch out for the crazy lady that works at the Safeway and always stares at you. We don't what she wants. 

30 - If you run into Kirk Hammett and accidentally call him Mark Hamill while you're hammered at a Primus concert, he will be cool and still give you an autograph on a Tic Tac box.

31 - If you are high and in a stadium concert full of 10's of thousands of people and hear someone shouting your name, ignore it. It's all in your head.

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25 Important Things to Know By Mr Rich

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25 Important Things to Know By Mr Rich

1 - Do not try to bleach your hair with actual bleach. This will hurt your fucking head. 

2 - If you are zappin' a Cup O Noodle in the microwave, don't forget to put water in that shit. It will light on fire and stink up your microwave and make your mom mad.

3 - No matter how much weed you have smoked, your heart will not explode. No it wasn't laced and no you don't need to go to the hospital.

4 - Don't try and drink an entire box of wine in under 8 hours on a dare. You will most likely shit your pants.

5 - An oven does not make a good alternative for a dryer, especially when drunk.  You will burn your pants and have to walk home looking like Fire Marshall Bill.

6 - Huge downhill road + rain + your bicycle + being hungover = injury/ shattered helmet/ broken bicycle.

7 - Be wary of beerbonging 2 40oz Steel Reserves from a rooftop through a garden hose. You could throw up on yourself in your friend's backyard and not care.

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Drunken Art Reviews

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Drunken Art Reviews

When we're bored we'll throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. He gets no information on the artist or any context, just images. Here's our staff drunk talking contemporary art.

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