Drunken Art Reviews

When we're bored well throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. He gets no information on the artist or any context, just images. Here's our staff drunk talking contemporary art.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!  ITS’S CHRISMAHANNAKWANZA EVERYBODY!  

And you noel what that means.  Shit is about to get craaaaaaaazy.  My master sends me these, supposed, beautiful pieces of art and I let you know just how ass-farty they really are……....so let’s do it.

Jean-Paul Bourdier

Blurry photo of UFOs lives in my back

I want to superimpose a lion or tiger about to devour this woman for being in another piece of crap.  At least then there’d be something interesting going on.  She’s probably the same naked chick that has been in all the other naked chick artwork that keeps vomiting itself out of the current shitty art wheel that is, “hipsters trying too hard”.  Why isn’t the back of her head painted?  She didn’t want to get ketchup in her hair.  What’s the matter with this photo?  It’s trying too hard and it’s been done before.  Better.  By Pink Floyd.  More chicks, better art on there backs, and lot’s of cocaine.  I think there was cocaine, so yeah.  

Ryohei Hase

Skull-helmet or not

There is a story here.  Which one, I’m not sure.  That skull could be a helmet.  Maybe they were getting married and a hidden assassin hit her in the neck with a dart and he’s like, “Noooooooooo!  Mi Amor!”.  Or he’s just just a dinosaur-head dude and there was a huge battle and he just made it to the throne room and now he’s going to eat her brains.

Rune Christensen

Yogurt rope antlers

Yes!  This something I would have blown up to 80”x80” and it would hit you right in the face as you walked through my front door.  I do believe he has a peace sign tattooed next to his left eye, or mercedes logo.  Either way, he’s seems like an upbeat fellow.  He has the Christmas spirit and he is ready to party for sure.  And not just anybody is willing to let a whole group of people ejaculate on their special antlers.

Ines Kozic

Best way to eat soup ever

This is what I’m gonna look like in a year.  You just wait.  No more bowls for me.  How do you eat your food?  With your hands?  Pfhh.  Tons of condescending snerfs at everyone will be had.  Look how peaceful he is.  Probably just got done having some new england clam chowder in a beard bowl and is ready for a siesta.  Or he’s nursing orphaned baby birds back to health.

Morning Breath

You are what you eat

It’s so weird that everyone always draws cartoons with 4 fingers.  I got money that that is Darth Vader on the right side.  But, anyway, why not come on over and hang out with Mr. Pizza Face.  “Wanna hit this joint?  Wanna lick my popsicle?  I’m a pretty cool guy except for the fact that I lack eyebrow plucking skills, but hey.”  And then as you get closer because you’re about to hit that joint you notice his lips start quivering.  His lips extend outward.  His upper lip, up and over his head and his lower lip down and around his his feet.  His lips engulf his own body and as they do so, the opening that was his mouth becomes the head of a giant red spined lizard-like creature.  He grabs your entire body in his right hand and as he does so he calls you a sucker in a low demonic voice before biting your head off.  Once inside his stomach, you wonder why you’re not dead.  The rest of your body joins you seconds later.  A face forms on the lining of the creatures stomach that looks similar to Ray Charles and begins to talk.  He says that this creature’s body has the ability to suspend the life of whatever it is digesting in order to fully absorb its soul as well as its nutrients, which is a process that takes 10 years.  He then asks you if you want to play a game of Uno.  You ponder to yourself, whether or not you fed your cat.

Jonny Negron

Floaters

Now that I’m done laughing like Butthead from Beavis and Butthead…  Can’t say I didn’t look at this for a while.  Is that Anna Nicole Smith?  I don’t know why but this makes me want to go play Saints Row 3 and run around hitting pedestrians with a dildo.  

Pokras Lampas

Cool sheets

Can’t say I mind my job right now.  I think I gotta, you know, take a break from typing for a second.

Markus Linnenbrink

Woah

“Hey guys, you want go visit Timothy Leary’s house?”  Please don’t lock me in this room if I’m on acid or mushrooms.  I don’t think I’d be able to find way out, ever.  There you go, turn the house into a maze for trippers.  You get to the end, you get spayed in the face with Hershey’s syrup and then you go back out into Burning Man.  

You guys go through the rainbow house?

Yeah, it was magical.

I felt like Dave at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Yeah, I like the part where I got sprayed in the face.

    Me too. :)

Steve Mccurry

Boring

Good contrast.  Deep thoughts.  He mumbled to himself derisively.  Who cares about some fucking camels next to a fire.  Big fucking deal.  It happens all the time over there.  Things are constantly blowing up and getting lit on fire.  It’s common place.  Even the camels know this and have adjusted.  It doesn’t look like they’re too worried.  Yup, another giant fire, they say to themselves.  And I know it happens, so I don’t give a hoot about whether you think it makes for good photographs.  Sigh.

PANT

Pant/Pint

I’ve been given the ok to bash graffiti by the boss upstairs, so here we go.  Is this on the side of a car repair shop because it looks like an advertisement for motor oil.  Why are there 3 names under this piece?  Did you all work on it, you lazy stoners.  Or are you just so in love with each other that you write each others names under every tag you do?  If you guys made your names a little more legible, you might actually make some money some day.  Good one, he said to himself.

Ben Jones

Who dat

Is that the Cosby’s or something?  That show is pretty old.  I can’t imagine why anyone would want to buy this.  I watched that shit when I was 5.  Isn’t he molesting chicks now?  When did Bill get a tattoo like Mike Tyson.  Are they friends now?  This is so confusing.  He’s got an anarchy symbol and a peace symbol on his face.  Which is it?  Which do you want Bill?!  Peace?  Or Anarchy?

Dongwook Lee

It’s kinda what my dumps look like after eating a lot of shrimp

Hey man, you wanna try this new drug?

    What’s it called?

Stem.

    What’s it do?

It makes you feel like a super-human.

    Is there any come down?

You see babies everywhere.

    That’s it?

What’s the message here?  I get it.  We can put a baby in you like that.  Why not.  If you have trouble getting the D you gotta do what you gotta do.  Just don’t inject me with, thank you.

Alright folks, that's a wrap.  I hope you have a beautiful end to your year and get muy schlitterbahn’d for new years.  Don’t make a new years resolution ‘cuz you won’t keep it and try not to get arrested.  Later.

Drunken Art Reviews

When we're bored well throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. Here's our staff drunks take on contemporary art.

 "Squiggle shit that looks like there's a bird in the middle with no head(kinda)"

I'm tired of people that pretend they're saying more in their artwork than they never intended and people that think they're in tune with something that doesn't exist in the painting giving money to these fucking phonies.  It's phonies supporting phonies.  That should be the title.

The Cosmic Serpent, Tara McPherson

"Redheads like snakes"

           It's pretty good.  I don't have to think about what I'm looking at.  It's a hot naked chick, right?  She is obviously standing in the line at the space DMV and forgot her clothes.  I can relate.

Cliff House, Modscape

"Twat-monkeys that built their house in a dumb fucking spot."

           Even if that's not your house, you're still driving a mini cooper.  Minus the two twat-monkeys, the car, and the structure attached to the cliff-face, it would have been a beautiful photograph.

John Morrow. Morrow's Academy of Martial Arts. Moline, IL, Carla Richmond

 " 5'3'' or 5'4'' "

          To judge this as a piece of art would be silly.  Who's going to hang this on their wall besides the guy that held onto his, "Big Kickers First Kick" trophy, and maybe the poor family member he Christmas gifts it to.  I bet his daughter took this for a school project for "the person you most want to kill".  Why is one trophy sideways?  Make the trophies symmetrical.  Take the guy out of the picture.  Put his wife in the shot , no matter how many stretch marks she has, and have her in a blue bikini doing the same un-badass pose.  That's art.

Couldn't find the name of the artist because no one on the internet has ever talked about them until us...look at us! Breaking new ground!

 "Golden fan?"

          It looks like one of those oscillating fans you had in your room as a kid until it would crap out when too much cat or dog hair clogged  it up and burnt out the motor.  Regardless of whether it's made out of gold or just coated in it, it's gonna crap out on you so don't use it.