Welcome to 50 Shades of Puke (NSFW) By Mr. Rich

"DON'T MAKE ME WATCH!"

(Spoilers)(wait...who cares?)

If you had the luxury of being in a relationship this Valentine’s Day, you most likely also had the joy of experiencing one of the worst movies ever made. Not by choice. You’ll convince yourself that you made the choice, but you didn’t. You thought to yourself, “Well, if I go and watch this piece of shit with them, I’ll probably get laid. The good kind of laid.” It makes sense. We all do things that we don’t want to do at some point in order to get some, but this takes the cake, by far.

This year, 50 Shades of Grey made 80 Gagillion dollars on opening day. Valentine’s Day. Not because it was a good movie, but because 50% of people got duped into seeing it by their significant others because their boyfriend/girlfriend read the book and it got them undies more moist than watching Chris Hemsworth take off his shirt in Thor. The problem is that there is nothing to the story except for it’s sexuality and it didn’t transfer over to the movie because that would have basically been a porn. So there isn’t anything to the movie. The story originated as Twilight Fan Fiction, “THIS IS THE LEVEL OF WRITING WE ARE DEALING WITH FOLKS!” Unless Darren Aronofsky had done this movie and it was rated NC-17 or X(which no mainstream theater will carry), there was no way in hell this movie was going to be anything like the books.

Incase you didn’t know, here’s the story. The shitty, shitty story:

Anastasia Steele, a homely bookworm, meets billionaire Christian Grey. Her roommate was supposed to interview him, but was sick, yadda yadda. He buys her some books, takes her on a helicopter ride he pilots himself and then, BOOM! Busts out a contract stating that he’s into the whole sadomasochism thing and wants her to be his submissive. The contract summed up to her living in his house in a separate room from his, not getting to sleep next to him after sex, her having to eat right and exercise regularly, and he gets to womp on her in is little torture chamber room whenever he wants. Every girls dream, right?

These books and the movie are made for women who are intimidated by porn, who think it’s “gross” and “icky” and want something a little more safe. 50 Shades is for the sheltered house mom who thinks it’s really CRAZY to have a dildo party with her friends. When she talks about masturbating she giggles and she’s never tried anal. I’d say that’s the majority of 50 shades fans. And what did they definitely want to see? Some ding dong. Unfortunately for them, there was none. Millions of women read these books and they steamed their clams up something awful. It was so overly descriptive that they lost their minds. This was part of the reason we were dragged to watch it with them. We were crossing our fingers that the sex was going to be amazing after watching the movie with them without having to make any effort. In the end, sadly, the thing that women wanted to see the most, didn’t even make an appearance. The closest you came was a golden ticket peek of some base shaft and shadow pube mound as he sat down in a bath tub. This meant that every woman left the theaters unsatisfied and no one was getting laid.

Meh

Let’s point out how great this movie makes women look as well. If some guy living in a trailer threw a contract at you covering a bunch of dirty stuff he wanted to do to you, you’d run away screaming. But if he buys you some rare books, a new computer, and a new car you’re willing to negotiate. I get it, money makes women horny, but take away Christian Grey’s money and he’s just another creep. And no women minded. Instead they liked it.

What I took away with me from this pile of garbage was misery. By the end of it I had seen the boring looking main actress get naked so many times I was starting to hate it. And it takes a LOT to make me hate lookin’ at boobs. The acting in 50 was laughable and and I feel epic sorrow for anyone who is affiliated with the making of this film. I am happy to say I survived this atrocity, but because there were no huge dripping cocks, I didn’t even get laid on V-day. Life is unfair. Please God, kill me before I’m asked to watch the sequel.

what could have been....