(Spoilers)(wait...who cares?)

If you had the luxury of being in a relationship this Valentine’s Day, you most likely also had the joy of experiencing one of the worst movies ever made. Not by choice. You’ll convince yourself that you made the choice, but you didn’t. You thought to yourself, “Well, if I go and watch this piece of shit with them, I’ll probably get laid. The good kind of laid.” It makes sense. We all do things that we don’t want to do at some point in order to get some, but this takes the cake, by far.

This year, 50 Shades of Grey made 80 Gagillion dollars on opening day. Valentine’s Day. Not because it was a good movie, but because 50% of people got duped into seeing it by their significant others because their boyfriend/girlfriend read the book and it got them undies more moist than watching Chris Hemsworth take off his shirt in Thor. The problem is that there is nothing to the story except for it’s sexuality and it didn’t transfer over to the movie because that would have basically been a porn. So there isn’t anything to the movie. The story originated as Twilight Fan Fiction, “THIS IS THE LEVEL OF WRITING WE ARE DEALING WITH FOLKS!” Unless Darren Aronofsky had done this movie and it was rated NC-17 or X(which no mainstream theater will carry), there was no way in hell this movie was going to be anything like the books.