How To Live Like Your Life Is A Video Game

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How To Live Like Your Life Is A Video Game

Modern life is the pits. People go to work. They go to school. They drive home. They eat. They shit. They go to sleep. Where are the boss battles? The robot friends who want to find a soul? The giant dragons flying through the sky as a mind throbbing score swells over the scene? These are just a few of the things that you’re missing out on by refusing to live like you’re in a video game. It’s time to reframe your life into something far more interesting than your regular day to day.

The most important step to living like you’re the main character of a video game is to decide what kind of game you’re inside. Is this an MMORPG with an open world where multiple players can come and go as they please? Or are you the only free thinker in a world of NPCs?

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I've Had It Up To Here With All These Star Wars

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I've Had It Up To Here With All These Star Wars

Are we still doing this? By “this,” I mean Star Wars. It’s been almost 50 years since Luke Skywalker blew up the Death Orb with the help of a friendly old man ghost before smooching his sister, and somehow audiences are still foaming at the mouth for another war in the stars. Can’t we just give (star) peace a chance?

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NFTs That Would Be Pretty Cool

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NFTs That Would Be Pretty Cool

The world is a titter with NFT (that’s Non-fungible Token if you’re nasty) madness. The art world, the blogosphere, the BK Kids Club, everyone wants to get their hands on a little piece of digital art that they can call their own and then offload for anywhere between 40 and 60,000 bucks. As of this writing there are jpegs, pngs, and .wows of mutant apes, vast 3D landscapes, and piles and piles of incredibly well animated dicks, but if you’re like me (someone between the ages of 47 and 65 with a vast amount of disposable income) then you want an NFT that’s a bit more persona than everything you can find online at the moment.

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How To Survive The Second Weekend Of Coachella

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How To Survive The Second Weekend Of Coachella

The first weekend of the 2022 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, California, has come and gone. It's dust in the wind, yesterday's news, a metaphor that people have stopped using. But there's still another weekend full of drugged out teens, expensive water, and influencers squeezing every drop of fame out of their final instagrammable moments. If you're throwing caution (and a shitload of money) to the wind to attend the second weekend of Coachella we've got some tips for you.

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Issue Six Of Kill Pretty Is Here!

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Issue Six Of Kill Pretty Is Here!

Issue 666 of Kill Pretty is here and it’s going to blow your mind. Featuring interviews and artwork by BAER, ‘80s splatter horror pioneer Brian Yuzna, and Rob Schrab, you won’t want to miss one panel of this freaked out and fabulous issue. Go on a drugged out death drive with Guy Fieri. Fall in love with the grime and slime of Richard Perkins, and go inside Dream Corp LLC - all in this jam packed issue.

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Five Things You Can do TODAY Now That You're Fully Vaccinated

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Five Things You Can do TODAY Now That You're Fully Vaccinated

So you’ve done it. You’re an essential worker who’s 16 or older and you’ve faced down the needle in a Walgreens/CVS/baseball stadium parking lot and you’re free to walk the streets without fear of catching the dreaded coronavirus. In most cities and counties mask mandates are still in place, and it’s likely that at least half of your friends are still trying to find a vaccine appointment, so what can you do while you wait to hug everyone you know? I’m glad you asked.

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Five Reasons To Kill Your Houseplants

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Five Reasons To Kill Your Houseplants

There are a few things that you can buy to take your apartment to the next level: matching bookshelves, a bar cart, and a good houseplant, at least that’s what big Plant wants you to think. They may be beautiful, they may be luscious, and they may help cover that stain on your wall that won’t go away, but many houseplants are hardened criminals who want to squeeze every penny they can out of you. Let this be a warning to all would-be botanists out there: kill your houseplants.

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It’s Totally Okay To Be Your Worst Self Right Now

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It’s Totally Okay To Be Your Worst Self Right Now

Like millions of responsible adults right now you’re stuck inside with no real concept of what’s happening. You know what the news is telling you, but if my eyes – the eyes of someone who’s always online, never without a computer monitor more than a few feet away from my face – are starting to hurt then you’ve got to have blood spraying from your corneas right about now. You deserve a break. Close your laptop, turn your phone off, and close out of Zoom, whatever that is, and just be your worst self right now.

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How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine

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How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine

One of the most intriguing aspects of 2021 is the vaccine crush. Or work vaccine husband/wife/partner. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’ve explicitly shown up with. It can be anyone. Are you like the rest of adults aged 21 - 40 and desperately trying to get vaccinated before the summer? Have you been following the breadcrumbs of alleged extra vaccines to every Walgreens and Rite-Aid in a 50 mile radius? Are you also trying to get it on or maybe establish a genuine romantic relationship with someone while standing in a parking lot? If so, here are some tips for turning the vaccine spark into a roaring fire of love.

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Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House

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Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House

As far as I can tell there was never a black hole behind my mom’s house, but there it was at the beginning of the pandemic. A black hole the size of a basketball hoop. I’m not a scientist or spaceologist but from what I can tell it’s been there for decades, maybe even hundreds of years, quietly expanding. I have to assume that the family who bought the house know about it, the small swirling vortex just past the back garden. You can’t miss it.

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I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

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I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

One year into the pandemic and it’s finally happening, I’m getting a vaccine. More to the point, I’m making my own vaccine with the help of the fine folks at Taco Bell. After months of back and forth with Yum Brands (of which Taco Bell is a subsidiary) I can finally announce that my personal vaccine will be available in three variations. But Jacob, you’re not a scientist. I know, that’s why my vaccine is going to be better than those available on the market at the moment. Dare I say that it’s going to rock? I do dare.

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I Want To Do Nothing

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I Want To Do Nothing

Ten years ago I didn’t think twice about spending all day stoned on the living room floor of my apartment while whatever movie marathon on the Syfy channel played. Today, if I decide to cruise the streets of San Andreas for a couple of hours on a Saturday I can feel the Grim Reaper hanging over my shoulder. When I turn to plot my escape I see his hollow eyes filled like double barrelled shotguns that shoot semi-automatic machine guns with bullets made of flamethrowers. With an arsenal like that there’s no way that I’ll achieve my dream of living forever.

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