There is a place out there, that when you push a crosswalk button, the traffic light automatically changes and you’re allowed to cross the road as easily as cutting in line if you’re Tony Danza.  Unfortunately, that place is not on this planet.

(Easiness of Tony Danza’s line cutting abilities vary depending on how well recognized he is and what particular establishment he is patronizing.)

Maybe it’s because no one knows how a crosswalk button actually works that leads to people tolerating them and continuing to use them, but I’m here to stay STOP. Just stop. You don’t need them anymore. You can be happy and free without them. Do they control you? Or do you control them? Chances are, they don’t work. Maybe they never worked. Maybe it’s all in your head. Maybe it’s some sick game for the robots that inhabit this planet that we aren’t supposed to know about. The pervy ones make themselves look like stop lights and make their robot private parts look like crosswalk buttons. So when you’re pressin’ that button you’re really getting a perverted space transformer’s rocks off. And that’s not cool!