Crosswalk Buttons/Robot Penis By Mr. Rich

Art by Tomas Brewer

There is a place out there, that when you push a crosswalk button, the traffic light automatically changes and you’re allowed to cross the road as easily as cutting in line if you’re Tony Danza.  Unfortunately, that place is not on this planet.

(Easiness of Tony Danza’s line cutting abilities vary depending on how well recognized he is and what particular establishment he is patronizing.)

Maybe it’s because no one knows how a crosswalk button actually works that leads to people tolerating them and continuing to use them, but I’m here to stay STOP. Just stop. You don’t need them anymore. You can be happy and free without them. Do they control you? Or do you control them? Chances are, they don’t work. Maybe they never worked. Maybe it’s all in your head. Maybe it’s some sick game for the robots that inhabit this planet that we aren’t supposed to know about. The pervy ones make themselves look like stop lights and make their robot private parts look like crosswalk buttons. So when you’re pressin’ that button you’re really getting a perverted space transformer’s rocks off. And that’s not cool!

There is no law that says you need to see that little man in the box in order to walk. He turns off when you’re half way across the road anyway. Are you supposed to stop in the middle of the road when that happens and just wait ‘til he pops back up again? No. You keep walking, which is what you should always do. So if you’d walk without the little man halfway on then why wouldn’t you at the beginning of the endeavor? Hmm? All you have to do is wait for a green light going the direction you’re walking, no buttons need be jerked off, and just go. Or else the the lust for robot penis begins.

At first, you’re just hittin’ it once and waiting. Then, you might start hitting it twice or three times. Thats when the craving sets in. You start getting to the crosswalk and hitting that button 5 times and you don’t even know why. You fabricate some sick justification in your head that the button is only slightly broken and in order to get it to work you have to hit it that exact number of times. I had a friend once with the lust. He convinced himself that the light was counting how many times he pressed the button and counting each press as multiple people. He told himself that the more people that press it, the faster the light would change. Oh, the light was counting alright, but for a different reason. It was counting down to when it would blow its robot load. And that’s the final stage. You get to that crosswalk and no matter what, you’re just mashin’ that button until the sign says walk. How many times did you press it? You don’t know. At that point, you don’t know whether to cross or go back home and take a shower.
So be careful people. If this has happened to you, there are others out there that will listen. There’s nothing wrong with being a robo-sexual, just as long as you know it’s happening.