Is Your Cat an Asshole? By Tyler Nacho

Art by John Bailey

All animals are not created equal, but we want to pretend they are. I know I did. I loved my pets growing up. Even walking through the streets today It’s pretty hard for me not to stop to pet a puppy or obsess over some insanely cute dog. Funny cat videos, although cliche as hell, never really seem to get old. Animals are adorable wonderful fucking things and we all love them. Unfortunately they are not all nice. Some pets piss on your clothes, take dumps on your bed and vomit on your tupperware. All while looking you in the eyes, challenging you. Some pets are assholes.

I first really discovered this when I started dating a girl with a beautiful black cat. The cat’s fur was amazing. I loved petting the thing and she looked like she walked out of a cat magazine. Too bad I could never go near her without her jumping two feet off the ground and running into a wall like a freaking maniac. I dated this girl for over a year, hung out in her room for months, the dumbass animal still assumed I was trying to kill it.

I would wake up in the middle of the night and it would just attack my face for no reason. Whenever my girl did laundry and left it out the cat would just piss all over it. She vomited up her food, hissed at strangers and stared menacingly at us while we fucked. T

But guess what? She wouldn’t get rid of it! She had raised the cat since it was a baby, she remembers the kitten days, and she “loooooves” it. But she doesn’t really. There’s a secret part inside of her that she will never admit to that wants to kill the fucking thing. But she can’t.

This little shitheel that is wreaking carnage all over her life for the NEXT TEN YEARS will be fed and taken care of till the day it dies. Did that cat earn that? What did the cat do to get food every day? It isn’t taking out the garbage or watering her cactus. The fucking cat sits and looks pretty and pretends she doesn’t want to get pet. What’s up with that?

The cat loves being pet. Every once in four months she’ll walk over, sit on your lap and just love being pet for hours. But if you start petting her, she’ll freak out, bolt and immediately walk back to you like, “Why do you treat me like that? Please pet me? But I don’t want you to pet me. But if you did it I might not be angry.” Then you get up, walk over and try and pet her. What’s she do? Lets you get like two pets in, then walks away like she’s got better things to do.

FUCKING ASSHOLE! I PAY YOUR RENT BITCH!

If you have a pet that doesn’t treat you right, stand up for yourself! Don’t let that furry beast shit all over your converse. GET RID OF IT! There are cool animals dying in the shelter all the time. Trade that fucker in! You can start with a kitten and maybe read a little bit about cats before you fuck up this next one.