6 Ways to Gently Tell Your Parents You’ve Enrolled at the University of Phoenix

1. Offer them a marga-Rohypnol-rita first, then bring it up. It’s best to break news like this when your parents are relaxed/unconscious. 

2. Casually mention it while they’re seriously invested in their favorite crime drama. 

3. If your parents are heavily religious just slip it in while you’re delivering Grace before a meal. Statistics show that 10 times out of 10, anyone who isn’t delivering Grace before a meal is thinking about how much they wish the person who is would wrap it the fuck up BECAUSE MASHED POTATOES, RIGHT?!

4. Write it in an intensely hued “My Condolences” Hallmark card. OPTIONAL: Buy chocolate. 

5. Stick your University of Phoenix acceptance letter on the fridge and move across the country. 

6. Buy a used VW Jetta and bling out the tires.