You Can't Wait To Know This! By Keith Garsee

Art By TV CAT

Kim Kardashian's Ass Broke Thanksgiving 

It was Thanksgiving day

and all through the house,

the family was scattered

the wifi maxed out.

Mom was in the kitchen,

cooking with ease

Father was in the den,

mumbling something about

his least favorite cheese.

Your grandmother sat seated

in a "too modern" chair,

picking through a stack of magazines,

when suddenly she gasped

and averted her gaze

which had settled inadvertently

on the cover of Paper

and Kim Kardashian's oiled, shiny ass.

No one had appetites,

the green-bean salad was tossed out,

because everyone there saw it 

and were thoroughly grossed out.

If only you had thrown it into the fireplace

where it really belonged,

Asses to ashes,the dinner could have gone on.

"It looks like our turkey!" your Aunt squealed.

You uncle threw up in his mouth,

and your creepy little brother

makes plans with it later,

to rub another one out.

Bill Cosby Ate Some Fruit This Past Weekend

 Little-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.  

How To Get Away With Gaudy

Whatever Hollywood awards show that takes place next honoring the great performances of the past year is going to give all the awards to the breakout star of "How To Get Away With Murder," Viola Davis's bracelet. Yeah sure, you might be thinking all the awards should go to Oriental Rug that Sam gets rolled up into in every episode or unidentified-and-probably-not-even-important-to-the-plot-Bonfire-Cheerleader who twirls into the air every damn episode, but your predictions would be wrong! The honors will go to Bracelet! I mean, c'mon..just look at what a versatile performer it is! There's Bracelet in the courtroom, its metal-braiding-and-intricate-facets glinting and burning into the eyes of the jurors a guiding light to lead their verdicts towards justice! And there is Bracelet again when that hot black cop is banging Viola against a wall, firmly latched to her wrist as Wig's performance slipped off Viloa's head. I really thought that Wig might have moved ahead in this scene, but Bracelet swooped back in and stole the show!

Sidebar, your honor; does "Annalise Keating" ever lose a case? And would the character come to life and aid in the defense of Viola Davis in a precedent setting Supreme Court Decision Citation named "The State vs. Viola Davis's One-Note-Anger-Face?"

I had a full-on-fan-boy-freaked-out yesterday at The Grove because I thought I spotted Bracelet. Turns out I grabbed some random lady's arm in front of Talbot's.

My Cousin, Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence, star of The Hunger Games franchise films (a struggling-at-box-office-indie-franchise)is related to me. Yes, that Jennifer Lawrence, America's sweetheart (sorry, Julia Roberts) is my cousin. This well kept Hollywood secret can now be revealed because she and I have both been cast in the same film! We're family, we work together. That's the breaks, losers. Anyway, I'm starring in a yet-to-be-titled Star Trek film with my cousin, Jennifer Lawrence. The other day on set, I got a little excited. We were shooting on green screen, a pivotal part of the plot where my cousin, Jennifer Lawrence, and I are at Star Fleet Academy in future San Francisco, CA. It was a long day on set, and it's hard to act like there is stuff there, like buildings and Starfleet Shuttle Craft and San Franciso, it's hard, ok!! And my cousin, Jennifer Lawrence, was really tired, so I stepped in and played both of our parts (we look like each other a lot from the back). SPOILER ALERT!! It was the scene where the Klingons blow up a bomb and my character dies. Jennifer yelled "CUT" right as I was acting like I was dying, and GIVING IT to the camera, and told the director "isn't my cousin, Keith Garsee, amazing and selfless? I demand a rewrite! His character must survive the attack!" Which, gee thanks for going to bat for me, J-Law-Cuz, I  really appreciate it, but you ruined my take. I got super mad and ran off set, straight into the arms of my on-again-off-again boyfriend, Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin. I'm sorry, J-Law, but it was my moment, and you ruined the take. Then I woke up naked eating a subway sandwich. I guess it was all a dream, but that sandwich was really good and nobody took pictures of my naked-nocturnal-sandwich-nosh and posted them to Reddit. At least I hope not.