We’ve all been there at least once. You’re minding your own business, walking home from your trip to the gas station bathroom, when someone jumps out of a car and bags your head from behind. Maybe they use rope or maybe they use zip-ties, but they restrain you and chuck you into the rear storage compartment of a ‘97 Ford Mustang. Personally, I think I’ve been curled up in this particular trunk for nearly thirty minutes and I’m starting to get pretty bored. I’m gonna watch some movies on my phone or something, and I’ll let you guys know which are my favorites. God I hope someone is reading this right now.

5. Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat (1895)

This one is an absolute classic, and a great film to watch while you’re speeding down the I5, competing with other cars for road space as well as audial space. Thankfully you don’t need to worry about hearing this one because it’s a silent film. Also, at a full run time of only 50 seconds, it’s an ideal time filler as you never know when you could be abruptly awakened by the light of the moon and forced to walk five miles into the woods.

4. Furious 7 (2015)

In stark contrast to the last entry, this is one of the loudest films I’ve ever seen. I shouldn’t even have to explain to you how cool a movie is when you know it stars The Rock and Vin Diesel in the same movie. I had to pay to rent this one, which is the only reason it’s so low on the list.

3. A Bug’s Life (1998)

At this point I’ve been in the car for at least three hours and I think I’m maybe starting to lose it. Long story short I’m all curled up, like I said earlier, and it’s starting to feel like I just am very small. I feel more bug size than human size. So I wanted to watch a movie I felt like I could relate to more, you know? I want to see tiny, primitive creatures, walking through their own shit. And this is the only movie that can do it. My god, it’s insane this is a kids movie. There’s literally a scene where a bug waiter holds up a platter containing a nugget of shit and he says, “Who ordered the poo poo platter?” If you put that in a kids movie today parents would write scathing letters. That’s the problem with society today, we’re always so sensitive, like just take a joke you know?

2. Donnie Darko (2001)

Do you get how many movies there are online just like completely for free? This is one of my favorite movies and I looked it up and the whole thing is just on YouTube. It’s been uploaded for nearly a year and nobody has taken it down. It’s almost like things only matter to our capitalist system when they’re respected and loved by the majority. Sure, people love Donnie Darko, but it’s not the kind of movie everyone and their mother is watching on a Friday movie night after she’s made her signature spice blend popcorn. I really miss those days. I wish I could have one more movie night with my mom just to make sure she knows how much I care about her. She’s so old she can barely move the spice container fast enough to actually get spices out, it just sort of does that thing where it clumps in the holes. I can make the spice blend tonight mom. I know the recipe now. I love you mom.

1. How to Break Out of a Locked Trunk (2007)

I have amazing news. I was watching through the credits of Donnie Darko when I looked in the suggested videos section and found this one. It basically explains that a lot of cars are designed to have a “spare tire jack” hidden underneath a false floor in the trunk and I checked and it was right there! And I was able to wriggle my way out of the hand restraints they put on me and smash the latch of the trunk and jump out without them noticing. I’m gonna send this list in right now, if anyone is on the work e-mail please call the police and send them to where I am please. I’m kind of in the middle of nowhere, but I’m looking at a sign that says Yavapai is 60 miles away. I have no idea what Yavapai is but someone has to. Fuck shit fu uck thejre turning arounn

Editor’s Note: Tino sent this over a few weeks ago and we never heard from him again. According to the authorities the case has gone cold, which is fine. because Tino kind of sucks. ANYWAY, if you want to follow him on Instagram you can do that here: @crampson_