This, dear readers, is not a drill. The holidays are here and there are only 14 shopping days left until Christmas, Hanukkah is already underway, and while Kwanzaa starts a day after Christmas you’ll need a time machine if you want to make that extra day really count. If you’re at a loss for what to get the people in your life during a pandemic you’re not alone. Buying gifts for someone who’s stuck inside for an nebulous amount of time might sound hard, but that’s because your brain has atrophied and every ounce of holiday cheer has been squeezed out like some sort of fruit that has juice in it and can be squeezed. My brain is doing fine, and that’s why you need me to instruct you in the ways of gift giving.

It’s important to remember that the people you’re buying for will be stuck inside their apartments (or homes if they’re big shots or still live with their parents), so with that in mind I present you with gift ideas that will not only wow the recipient, but ensure that you net some pretty exciting guilt gifts come 2021.

1. Their Very Own Lifetime Subscription To Kill Pretty

Who are we kidding here? It costs money to print an elaborate art magazine that feeds your annual need for weird content, and on top of that we have to host this website which costs upward of one hundred dollars. If you’re going to spend your money on anything, spend it on us, because we love money.

2. A Military Grade Flamethrower

After being stuck inside for months on end, the object of your gifting is going to need to blow off some steam and there’s no better way to do that than with a giant, Vietnam-era flamethrower. You can probably find a smaller, more compact flamethrower with the same fiery output, but these babies are all about optics. Just buy the big one and move on.

3. An Entire Grocery Store

The worst thing about living during the pandemic isn’t all of the illness and death that colors our every day lives, and it’s not even the knowledge that we too will probably get sick and one day die, even if we don’t catch coronavirus. The worst part of this whole thing is going to the grocery store. Looking for a parking spot, avoiding contact with other shoppers, finding out that your preferred brand of toilet paper is missing. It’s all distressing, so if you’ve got the cash why not buy your best friend their own grocery store? To go the extra mile make sure to give the employees benefits and hazard pay.

4. A Super Nintendo With Three To Four Games

Aside from copious amounts of booze and drugs, the one thing that can help someone forget what horrific era of humanity they’re living in is a video game. The PS5 may be the latest and greatest console on the shelves, everything about it says the one thing no one wants to hear, You’re living in 2020. A Super Nintendo says none of that. It says, Relax, it’s 1993. It’s Saturday. You don’t have a job, you’ve got nothing to do today but beat Street Fighter II or Turtles in Time and finish all of that Jolt Cola before it goes flat.

5. The JFK Assassination Records

Sure, the Warren Commission, and every available record on the JFK assassination is available online, but you can’t really go down the rabbit hole like a crazy shut in when you’re using the internet, can you? It’s impossible to focus when you’re tempted to look at porn or Amazon. What you need is printouts upon printouts that you can use to cover your windows to block out the sunlight and disappear into a cocoon of conspiracy theory. By the time we come out of this pandemic your friend will have this whole JFK thing wrapped up, and the world will have you to thank.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.