THE KIL PRETTY SPORTS REPORT by Brian R Thompson
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Unlike most of my fellow co-workers at the office who learned art, math, band and other gay shit like that. I took my sweet precious time as a youth studying play books, making fun of people weaker than me, and most importantly catching, which I know will come in handy one day when I drop my future child.
It’s week 12 of the NFL season and I’ve enjoyed every moment of it. It’s one of the best excuses I have to day drink besides being on vacation or when its any other day of the week. At least on Sunday I’m not the only drunk guy trying to take a shit in the alleyway behind the bar.
Why, you ask, do I shit behind the bar and not in the bar? I say to you mind your own Goddamn business every man needs his secrets. The games were great. Lots of stuff happened, lots and lots of stuff. Tom Brady and the American flag heads battled Payton Manning’s back up Oscar something and the Denver Horses. What a game! Rob Groncowskisalkfalskf that guy can’t even spell his own name was injured late in the 3rd period. Oh shit, I almost forgot there was fuckin snow on the field. I must say that is the best special effect I think the NFL has. That shit makes me want to go snowboard so bad right now I might just buy some one-day passes to Big Bear. Sure, it’s not real snow half the time, but neither is the snow in this game.
Payton Manning’s back up Oscar something and the Horses just scored, not sure why I’m giving you a play by play you probably won’t read this till mid basketball season. There’s a minute left! I must say even though Tom Brady is down by 3 I feel like they are still gonna win this. I could be wrong and then I’ll have to delete this entire statement. Fuck yea!!!!!!!!! They just went into overtime!!! Which means? You guessed it. More drinking time! This son of a bitch kicker Jamakowski he can’t even spell his own name either has become my patron saint of drinking more than I should once again thanks to that kick that tied up the score.
I was going to hold back cause I have shit to do in the morning, but it’s fucking Football! Your boss will completely understand why you’re throwing up in the copy machine waste bin. Just say those sweet sweet magic words. Football... bbblllaahhhh… game…. Bblllaaaahhhhhh… over…time. Bbllllaaaahhh… Bro. He might even give you the rest of Monday off so you can pregame for the football showdown that’s going to happen that night. Or you might end up telling Janice fuck off you don’t need her advice on how to do your job which is gonna land you in HR’s office which means you’re fucked, cause he’s a pussy who likes euro football. Pusssy.
I’m starting to black out and the score is still tied… oooohhh son of a bitch!!!! Payton Manning’s backup Oscar Wilder or something and the Horses just defeated Tom Brady and the perfect season that his team had. Well thank God I opened this tall can before they won, I guess now I’m forced to finish this and then maybe have one or few more to re-watch all the highlights I missed when I was in the pisser. Well the game is over and so is my report. Brian R. Thompson Reporting live from somewhere … where the hell am I?
