One Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton

Chris Walla - Tape Loops - Trans

"Album of the year!" - Says Boring Old Fucks Magazine

Long Beard - Sleepwalker - Team Love Records

This is either the album you play after you tell your parents to fuck off for the first time, or after you lose your virginity in a blanket fort.

Salad Boys - Metalmania - Trouble In Mind Records

I don't usually review Guided By Voices cover bands, but this record is pretty good.

KRTS - Close Eyes to Exit - Project: Mooncircle

If Dan Deacon wrote the hold music for Citibank it would sound like this album.

Parquet Courts - Monastic Living - Rough Trade Records

Who gave those raccoons a guitar?

Noveller - Glacial Glow - Fire Records

I think it's incredibly brave to release an album made up of nothing but the sounds of someone shopping for guitar pedals.

The Brainstems - No Place Else - Bad Diet

Just because you have an Iggy and the Stooge's tattoo doesn't mean you have to make a record about it.

Cradle of Filth - Hammer of the Witches - Nuclear Blast

Meanwhile at a renaissance festival…

Jawws - Dead World - Infinity Cat Recordings

I think I bought beer for these kids last weekend.

Leftover Crack - Constructs of the State - Fat Wreck Chords

I can totally see a kid slamming their bedroom door and turning this album on after getting into an argument with their parents only to be confused as fuck when that song about the trail of tears comes on.

Danzig - Skeletons - Nuclear Blast

Danzig should invest in a series of Danzig lookalikes who can tour and make his music for him, because at this point even a fat guy with a devil's lock wig could make a better Danzig record than Danzig.

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