Tales From The Tinder

Logo by Jorge Cruz

Gather round, ladies and germs! This is a tale to make you squirm. Take a step inside this ghastly ride, with a girl who’s clueless and a boy who's fried. Buckle up!

The girl is standing on her front porch, the clock reads 45 minutes past the time the boy was supposed to come pick her up to go to a party. He arrives and she gets in. The radio is blaring The Beatles through busted, fuzzy speakers. The girl fucking hates The Beatles. They drive on as the boy awkwardly belts out song after awful song, without engaging in the girl at all.

The boy looks at her and says something, but she can't hear nor understand what the fuck he is saying so she just smiles and fixes her gaze back to the road. The boy says "Um, ok..." like a smart alloc dick and starts fumbling around in the back seat for something, swerving around turns. He comes up with a beer and cracks it open.

"Oh, did you just ask me to get you a beer?" the girl says. The boy turns down the radio and says "Yeah duh but it's ok. Do you want one?" And the girl, shocked, shakes her head no. "I've already been to a party tonight but I really want to go to this other one," the boy says, explaining it’s in the next state over.

"You're a brave girl for getting in this car!" the boy says. "Why is that!?" the girl asks, sure her face is displaying the horror that is creeping over her. "Because the speedometer doesn't work, and I have expired tags. I might have had a little to drink, too. Don't worry though, I'm better at driving when I'm a little fucked up. Sorry about that though. I really wanted to hang out. You're so pretty. My friend gave me an Oxy for my birthday last month - just popped that before I picked you up. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight." As the boy is explaining all of this to the girl, he runs a stop sign and cuts off an old lady, calling her a "stupid cunt" when she honks at him.

The girl looks over at the boy. He has on an X-Men shirt, cargo khaki shorts and keeps squinting his eyes every time he inhales his cigarette. He is scream-singing to Weezer and sweating. This is probably the last person in the world the girl would ever want to die in a car crash with. She feels her anxiety creeping up, and is at a loss of what to do. It's dark outside and she has no idea where they are, where the party is, or how to get back home. Her phone only has ten percent battery power left. "I think I'll take beer now," she says, desperate for something to help her calm down. Fuck it, at least if we wreck I'll be a little more limber, she thinks.

They get to the apartment complex safely (somehow) and the boy tells the girl how bad he has to piss. "Well, aren't we here? Can't you just go inside?" the girl asks. "No, I'm going to pee on my tire" the boy says. "Well what should I do?" the girl asks. "Just stay in the car. Yeah. Just stay in the car and listen to Lit while I piss on my tire." The boy gets out. The girl stays in the car and listens to Lit, just like the boy asks her to.

The girl follows the boy to the doorstep of the party. The boy opens the door, is greeted by the guests, trips on the threshold and face plants into the living room. The girl is overwhelmed with secondhand embarrassment as everyone inside laughs at him and can feel her face turning red. He gets up and tells everyone laughing to fuck off. The girl follows him inside through the living room, dining room and into the kitchen, recognizing a girl the she goes to school with. She waves. The girl from school looks at them, mouth agape and nudges her friend standing next to her.

This is where the friend's eyes narrow and she screams the boy's name. "What the FUCK?" the friend screams at them. If this were a movie, the record would scratch here. The party momentarily stops. The boy grabs the girl's hand and drags her back to the porch. "I need you to pretend to be my new girlfriend tonight," the boy says once they're outside. "What? Who was that?" the girl asks. "That's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up a couple weeks ago" the boy says. "I guess she's still pretty mad. Plus, it's her birthday."

The girl now realizes that this sociopath has risked both of their lives to bring her to his ex-girlfriend's birthday party. The girl cannot fathom walking back through the door. The girl can't even fathom walking into school Monday. The girl starts crossing off evasive maneuvers in her mind; Her phone is dead, the only phone number she has memorized is her mother’s and there's no way she's calling her mom to come pick her up, she can't charge her phone inside because fuck going back inside, this dude can't even get through a doorstep properly, there's no way she's asking him to take her anywhere.

So, the girl sits down on the stoop and hangs her head. She doesn't know what to do. All she knows is that she cannot go back inside. The boy is telling the girl that she needs to get up, and everyone at the party likes him more than his ex-girlfriend anyway, this is HIS friend's house, not hers and she's not going to do anything and it will be fine. The boy and the girl stay outside for nearly an hour, the girl is fighting back tears the entire time in silence as the boy negotiates with her. Until the door opens...

The ex-girlfriend and the schoolmate walk outside. Ex-girlfriend is in tears, very drunk, and screaming at the boy. The boy stands up. The boy tells the ex that she's fat and acts like a starfish in bed and the ex slings her red drink at him. Except the majority of it misses and hits the girl, who is still sitting down behind him. The girl goes inside to find a bathroom and bawls. While trying to compose herself, someone pounds on the door and says "That random girl who's here is in there shitting, I think."

The boy comes in to find the girl and tells her that they have to crash there tonight and his OxyContin just kicked in and he's feeling really fucked up and tired. He assured her that the ex-girlfriend went home and there will be no more problems and he will find a room for them to sleep in. Twenty minutes later, the boy is asleep and the dead phone is charging.

This is where the girl does something she is not proud of. The girl is aware that up until now, she's the victim in this story and admitting what she does next may make everything that happened to her seem warranted. Please understand that the girl was having the worst night of her life so far and was desperate for redemption and an exit plan. Understand that the girl is a pretty sane person who would never normally consider doing what she is about to do. Know that the girl has read The Art of War and did what she felt she had to do. Don't judge the girl's actions in the midst of a very desperate moment. Because this is the part where the girl robs the boy.

She didn't take all of his money, just what she felt he owed her and would have willingly offered her had he been a mentally stable, decent human being: enough for cab fare. And maybe a little extra, partly because she had never taken a cab and didn't know how much they cost and partly because whatever, he deserves it. And so the girl went home and took the best shower of her life, cuddled her pets and slept soundly in her own bed.

The boy did not contact the girl again.

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