One Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton

Rihanna - Anti - Roc Nation

Does anybody know what the fuck Rihanna is talking about?

Bloc Party - Hymns - BMG Rights Management

You know that feeling when your coolest friend cuts their hair and gets a boring job, magnify it by a million and you have Bloc Party's new record.

Milk Teeth - Vile Child - Hopeless Records

These guys probably have really sweet girlfriends.

Sia - This Is Acting - Monkey Puzzle Records

This is what the CEO of every Fortune 500 company thinks teenagers listen to.

Anderson Paak - Malibu - Yep Roc

Your mom's going to love this record.

Dickpunks - 29, - TNC Company

What a waste of a great band name like Dickpunks.

St. Lucia - Matter - Columbia

Don't let St. Lucia fool you kids, we're all going to die.

Charlie Puth - Nine Track Mind - Warner

This album is whiter than one hundred first dances at a wedding.

Wet - Don't You - Columbia

If I hear one more low key, Sade biting, electronic album... I'm going to write about it I guess.

Harriet - American Appetite - Harvest Records

If this record was about pizza and Thai food I'd never stop listening to it.

Kevin Gates - Islah - Bread Winners' Association

Take note kids, if you have enough face tattoos you don't have to rap on beat.