You’ve got to stay busy during quarantine or you’ll go crazy. You’ll find yourself clawing at the walls and flopping around the floor with phone in hand as you refresh twitter for more mind numbing coronavirus content. If you don’t want to make a sourdough starter and if whipped coffee doesn’t sound time consuming enough the following skills will help you pass the time and help you become a better person.

Make Your Own Taco Bell

You know you miss it - that salty, not exactly flavorful mélange of mush and crunch that we call fourth meal. Even if you live in an area that’s lucky enough to have a Taco Bell that’s still serving that doesn’t mean you want to make a run for the border every day so you’ve got to learn how to make your own Bell. Luckily most of the ingredients are just mushed up beans, handfuls of salt, and the cheapest cheese you can find. Bon appetite!

Pulp Your Own Paper

You’re not much off a reader you say? Well you’re still going to want to know how to make your own paper in the weeks and months and it ain’t because you’re going to be printing your own magazine (you’ve got Kill Pretty for that). Pulping your own paper is important for the coming time in the soon to be future where we’ll all need to build oversized paper mache heads before going out in public. Facemasks are all well and good, but the safest you can be is when wearing a giant head over your own puny skull.

Use A Whip

Why would you need to know how to use a whip in isolation? This is a question asked by an idiot, by someone who has never felt leathery heft of a lash in their hand. Of course you need to learn how to use a whip. What if you need to fight off people in the grocery store or snap at your neighbors who get to close to your front door? What if you get bored and want to whip at your cupboards? There’s so much that you could be doing with a whip.

Projectile Vomiting

Whether you want to ward of predators or just need something to do, projectile vomiting has an array of uses. I’m not sure what kind of foods that you need to eat to make this kind of thing happen but I assume it’s a lot of liquids and Alka-Seltzer. Or maybe you could contract a deadly stomach virus. Whatever your choice I support you.

Tunneling

But I don’t have a backyard, you say. You don’t need a yard to be an expert tunneler. All you need is a good shovel, a pickaxe, and a flashlight. And possibly a map of your city’s sewage lines. But that’s it! Once you learn how to tunnel you can move freely through the city (possibly even the world) and you won’t have to speak a single soul. Need some garbanzo beans and don’t want to go to the store? Tunnel into your neighbor’s home and take theirs. You do want to go to the store? Tunnel to the store and just take some with you back into your hole. The possibilities are endless.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.