Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee

We all know the old saying about food being “fuel” for your body. Yeah, sure. Whatever. That’s what I thought. Cause guess what? I was a teenager who threw plates of nachos down my head like a beast, and ran around all day like a psycho. Now I’m 30, and it’s all too real.

The years of melted cheese on tortilla chips have finally come to haunt me. Nacho ghosts fill my stomach, make me fat, and worst of all make me tired. That nap, that 30 minute nap around 3:00pm. I need it. When I don’t get it I start to get mad. Temperamental. Dizzy. But life doesn’t always allow for naps so I have to battle these feelings. And I battle them the way everyone in America does, with coffee.

Oh that sweet brown sludge. That disgusting shit colored life saver. Yes, I said disgusting, cause guess what? Here’s my dirty little secret: I HATE the way it tastes. I do everything in my power to cover that taste. Chocolate, milk, sugar, throw it all in there. I thought it would be like wine or whiskey, you know? At first it’s gross but as you drink it you grow to love it. Not the sludge. Give me a black cup of coffee and I’ll drink it like a shot, nose-pinched.

At first all I needed was one strong cup. Give me a cup and I’m up and at em! Feels good, that little pump. But, like all of us, eventually one cup wasn’t enough. Two, three...then I discovered ice coffee. I’m no coffee scientist but somehow the ice coffee is stronger and no, I ain’t gonna google that shit because I’m a man. A man too lazy for Google. Which makes me right!

So the ice coffee worked. I’d get one large cup and ration it out through the day. One third in the morning, one third at lunch and the last bit for when I get off work cause I got personal projects too, yo! Gotta finish that comic book, and put the last touches on my cardboard carrot mask.

So yeah, that was great. Drink drink drink. Throw some chocolate in there to mask the nastyness and I’m good to go. But again, as the years went on, my tolerance grew and like any great drug, I was chasing the dragon. Soon I was pouring 5 hour energies into my cup every three hours to feel that pump. My poop started pouring out of my butt like clock work and my lips dried out. I could feel the clicking of the clock on my temples and would somehow be tired and wide awake at the same time. Then one day I learned about cold brew. Game changer.

Cold Brew is like they took an espresso shot, threw a 5 hour energy in, and then infused it with crack smoke. It’s FANTASTIC. So again, the process goes: Start with a little, need a lot. But I’m getting scared now. The cold brew is unlike the iced coffee. It’s doing strange things. I used to only need a shot or two. Now I’m drinking it by the glass.

Sometimes my heart beats really fast. Hard. Like I just ran the mile. Then sometimes it doesn’t beat at all. I stand there, with my hand on my heart waiting…. a whole Seinfeld comes and goes and my heart still hasn’t beat. Then like the blue man group just ate five tabs I'm dancing on the ceiling to the rhythm of my blood pumper. It’s an unreal feeling.

But there's downsides too. There’s always downsides. My cock has shriveled and dried up. I’ve tried expensive lotions and essential oils but it all just gets sucked up in this vortex of chalky skin. My balls look like old prunes that were left in the sun, and the whole package has turned dark purple.

I’ve tried to stop. Of course I’ve tried. It’s great for a few hours. I drift asleep like a baby on a xanny bar. But I always wake up the same, ten hours later with shit covered underwear and a headache like you wouldn’t believe. The only thing that’s gonna stop that headache is another cup of the C-brew.

So sleep isn’t really an option anymore. I take catnaps. Never really fully rested. But man do I have energy. My body is beautiful. I no longer take in calories because I shit them out so fast and all this energy has got me in three different mixed martial arts classes and hiking full time. I just can’t seem to retain any water.

So really in the end it’s worth it. I look great, feel energized and have never been more productive. I would totally recommend it!

I know soon the C-brew won't be enough so I’ve been looking for my next move. I heard about these things called “Java Logs.” Apparently you can just break off a piece and smoke it. Sounds FUCKING FANTASTIC!