You Can't Wait to Know This!

Art by TV CAT

Let's Check-In With Jessica Simpson!

Jessica Simpson will go shopping sometime next week week at an outdoor mall in Century City. She'll purchase a huge black tote bag, so black it is almost navy blue. Then she will waltz into a craft store and cut snowflakes out of a fragile antique brocade, so valuable and pretty and rare that the salesgirl cries real tears onto the floor...the commission on the sale alone will pay for many generations of her family (yet to even be born!) to attend the career colleges of their choice. Or not.

Moments later, Jessica will walk through the plate glass window of the high end kitchen supply store, "Sur Le Tablė." The blood red melamine dinnerware of next seasons stock will be called "Platelets" a "must have," according to Elle Decor and a huge success for the family run business in Atacapia, Illinois that manufactures them.

Simpson will get a cut of the profits and continue being insanely rich, boring and dumber than a placemat.

Taylor Swift Will One Day Be Successful

Taylor Swift has time-traveled back to 1989 and kidnapped the parents of her current day fans in a last ditch effort to force the millennialist of today to buy her new cd. I'm kidding, time-travel isn't possible but if it were, a force like Swift would only use it for good not evil (yeah, right) and her new cd is so popular that right now she is sitting on a throne made out of the 200 million dollars she has raked in since its release a few days ago.

Seriously, y'all. This girl is so rich and smart that Warren Buffet paid a visit to her court and bowed down before her, after Taylor's Centurian Guard forced him to at spear-tip. Taylor laughed a golden laugh as the layers of hammered-gold-dress glinted and beamed lights into the thick glass of the old Oracle's nerd glasses and burned his glaucomas. Even while hurting him, she saved him. This is why we love her.that, and she will rip your face off of you don't. Pain smells like chocolate cookies at her home though, so at least there's that. 

Anne Hathaway's Husband Makes Jewelry

Well la-dee-da, someone has gone and done the impossible. Lady Anne Hathaway has fulfilled that giggly little dream and become a movie-star and she gets to be draped in jewels all the time because now her husband is a pendant pusher...and I'm not talking about your Aunt Fiona's Austin-Based-Etsy-Page. This dude is in New Yawk and he makes some seriously ugly, seriously expensive shyte. You know, the kind of stuff that "starts at $5000" (according the the website). The kind of jewelry that is so ugly and pretentious that when you wear it to a party at Maria Shriver's house she's all "ooh! I love it! It's so pretty and not-pretentious at all!" which is exactly what she says to herself in the bathroom every morning as an affirmation, so who can trust wearing Anne Hathaway's husbands jewelry to a party at Maria's house anyway?

But that's not the point. The point is, this is a red flag. You can't just have a famous wife can ya? Nope, you gotta capitalize on that shyte. At least don't force Her Grace (Yes, I love Anne Hathaway, there is love in my heart, sue me) to wear some hideous bedazzled-chain-mail-hand-cage to the premiere of that movie about going to space with Matthew Mconaughy that she's in. The silver stars were a nice touch, sure, but I heard she kept cutting everyone's face when she slapped them for daring to get in the way of her eyes. Usually it's just a slight tingling of a welt that you walk away with, but now it's gotten real. Thanks a lot, huz.

I Went Christmas Shopping for Rhianna

 Elle magazine's December cover girl is none other than punch loving-crazy-grrl, Rhianna! What? She loooooves Kool-Aid. What did you think I meant? Before the magazine hits stands, they've released a question-and-answer-sesh-teaser and the first question was this:

ELLE: What's on your Christmas list? 

Rihanna: A big, trimmed ****!!

Hmm. Four letters, something big, something landscaped, something Christmas-y, no doubt. I've always had Santasies (that's Santa-Fantasies for all of you psych-term-deafs), so I set out last week to make America's Favorite Little Singing Skank's dreams come true. I went to Home Depot on Sunset. There's a Puerto Rican guy there who everyone knows has access to the largest collection is trees. T-R-E-E. Yeah, that's what I thought too. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Raul and I wrangled the biggest conifer I could fit into my hatchback and I drove it over to Rhianna's Bel Air compound. I rang the doorbell and all I heard was "bitch, please" coming from somewhere inside the house. Then something that sounded like "another dumb white boy thinks he figured out what I meant, let's see how long he hangs around." I'm still here in her driveway, I'm sure she'll be out soon. This thing needs water and I'm all out of hazelnut cookies in case anyone out there has her publicist's number. It's going to take a Christmas miracle to open this front door; that or Chris Brown's Sequoia-National-Forest-size-dick.

Jennifer Lopez's Beauty Regiment is Instagram   

It used to cost a lot to be Jennifer Lopez. She once lived in a magical palace in Woodland Hills, where all the mirrors had been special-made on the orders of Benny Medina, to reflect back at Jennifer her never changing celluloid  visage, circa the "Jenny from the Block" era.

Jennifer is old (forty-five) and she knows that Benny means well, but recently realized that something had to change. And what better way to maintain that over the counter-all-natural biore-Burough-baby-face and seem effortlessly millennial while doing so than to embrace the same tools that every regular persona carries around on their iPhone: the Filters of Instagram and the hashtag."

On Monday, La-La-Lopez posted a bikini clad selfie, apparently pining for her youth and the waning days of summer. She captioned; “Soooo chilly this morning… I want summer back… #sunnnydays #warmnights #tanskin #hangingbythepool #julybaby #LEO #Ilovesummer,” read the photo’s caption.

Hashtag all you want, J-Lo. Summer is long over, and any #tanskin by the pool is just the special-order-Korean-leather-kind that is drying out, awaiting your 11 o'clock grafting appointment.