Let me tell you a little something about me.

I’m addicted to Slurpees. It probably has something to do with my love for Bart Simpson mixed with being a pothead in high school but I’m 27 now and still drink a Slurpee or two a week.

In the last two years I’ve encountered serious Slurpee issues. I moved to Los Angeles and none of the Slurpees out here are any good! Sounds strange right? How could one Slurpee be good and another be bad? Aren’t all Slurpee’s made out of the same magic?

Oh, I wish I was as naive to the Slurpee magic as you, good sir.

For it is not true. Not all Slurpee’s are created equal. It doesn’t have to do with accessibility to flavors (although that is a whole different can of worms). The big issue is the maintenance of these glorious, life-giving Slurpee machines.

See, there is a certain temperature a Slurpee machine needs to reach in order for the concoction of ice and magic Slurpee Sauce to mix into the perfect drink. I grew up in the suburbs and for whatever reason all the machines were, for the most part, in working order. Turns out Suburban Slurpee’s are unparalleled to City Slurpee’s.

When I first moved to LA I thought I arrived in heaven. If you don’t live in LA let me tell you, there are 7-11′s on every corner! It’s crazy. But unfortunately, the majority of them don’t know how to keep up regular maintenance on their machines!

To give you an example, I’ve lived in between TWO 7-11′s for the past year. One has normal Slurpee’s about 50% of the time. The other has NOT ONCE, in the YEAR that I’ve been living here, had a working Slurpee machine! NOT ONCE!

Yes, I’ve complained to the manager many times. They refuse to believe me. Here’s the thing: From what I’ve gathered, a few times a day the Slurpee machine needs to spend 15 minutes cooling down. Maybe too many people have used it or it ran out of some magic Slurpee juice and the little elves that live inside have to conjure more, I donno. The point being, a red light will turn on next to the flavor and the machine will be temporarily out of order. This is when any 7-11 manager will agree with you that the machine isn’t working. BUT as long as that little red light isn’t on, they will argue with you all day that the machine is fine (Yes, I have gotten into many a screaming match with these managers. They won’t listen!). They will put a little Slurpee in a cup, taste it and pretend they have no idea what you are talking about. Fuckers.

And maybe they don’t. Maybe the passing Slurpee fan knows more about 7-11’s most famous product than the very managers and employees that run the establishment. A sad state of affairs my friends.

There are two types of Slurpee taste. The first is the perfect blend that tastes like the drink, cools in your mouth and makes a summer perfect. The kind that blasts you with flavor like a 10 inch monster cock filled with the flavor of the gods. Sweet, sweet flavor.

The second, which may be undetectable to Slurpee newbies, has a more metal, machine-type, chemical taste. You’ll know when you’ve ingested one because your mouth will feel dry and you’ll be left with a horrible aftertaste. Sometimes, when I force myself to drink a bad one, I’ll even get a stomach ACHE! NO SLURPEE, NOOOO!

I’m not sure if it has to do with the amount of ice vs. magic juice or the machines haven’t been cleaned…. but for fucks sake it needs to be fixed!

At this point I’m getting ready to retire my Slurpee drinking habits completely! Yes, you read it here first. I can’t believe I’m saying it myself but I stand up in protest. I don’t know if it’s improper training or what but 7-Eleven needs to WAKE UP and learn how to get back on track.

In a city of 1,000 7-11’s I can’t find one good Slurpee.

Meanwhile ICEE’s are 99 cents for a large!

7-11, I’m going to the dark side unless you change your ways.

Please, come back to us.

Love,

A True Friend.

(NEXT WEEK: Tracking down the elusive White Cherry ICEE! Don’t even get me started…)