What Your iPhone Alarm Clock Ringtone Says About You by Greg Mania

Art by Andy Mania

Opening: This is the default iPhone ringtone, quiet and subtle: like you! You enjoy 

fostering a sense of community and love shoving your flagrant display of civic virtue in 

everyone’s face! 

Apex: You’re very career-oriented and liquidate assets before lunch. 

Chimes: You can ONLY achieve an orgasm if the song you’re having sex to is 

comprised of at least 80% woodwind instruments. 

Circuit: You’ve thought about frosting your tips more than once in your life. 

Constellation: You started your own psychic hotline in college to earn an extra buck. 

Crystal: You’re a beautiful, whimsical soul. Everyone always come to your for advice. 

Little do they know you have three rolled up Alias posters in the back of your closet.

Illuminate: This fun and flirty alarm clock ringtone makes you want to carpe diem! Or 

commit grand larceny. 

Night Owl: You’ve never gotten over the time you made eye contact with a guy wearing 

a fedora. 

Playtime: You’re under the age of 18 and probably only communicate via emojis. 

Presto: You totally wouldn’t hate getting an Old Navy gift card for your birthday. Not. 

One. Bit. 

Radiate: You’re in graduate school and feel the need to meticulously describe your 

niche-ass thesis to the class when you’re asked to introduce yourself. 

Ripples: You’ve purchased the Love and Other Drugs deluxe DVD package just for the 

bonus deleted scenes. 

Silk: You make sure to always answer the door while you’re putting on a robe. 

Slow Rise: You don’t wake up before 3 P.M.

Stargaze: Your ideal first date is going to an indoor trampoline park and then making out 

to The Verve.