Steve's Liquor Review

It’s extremely hard to get a Kill Pretty employee to do even 30 minutes of actual work in a week. We beg, we plead, but our cries go unheard. This week I asked Steve to write something, anything. He said, “Like what?” I said, “Review anything. You can literally go to the liquor store and review alcohol. I don’t care!” Steve thought this was a great idea. A reason to drink! The next day I literally got photos of his review on a piece of paper. So here’s what I was able to decipher from his scrawlings. Please excuse the formatting and lack of real “reviewing” as I can only assume he was totally shitfaced by the time he got to his chips.

Tyler Nacho - Editor

We begin by putting “Sipping On Some Sizzurp”, by Three 6 Mafia on full blast out of the phone. Once the ambience is set, we dive into the Seagram’s Escapes “Strawberry Daiquiri”, which is 3.2% alcohol by volume. It’s made in Rochester, NY, which is why I got it because I love products made near my hometown where nothing good has ever happened.

Twist off cap. Looks like cough syrup. Actually not that sugary- not that bad. I could actually see myself drinking this on purpose after four or more beers. As a refresher. I also got some rap snacks. Fetty Wap’s and Lil Boosie’s chips- Honey Jalapeño and BBQ flavors, respectively. Listening to Lil Boosie because I like his name better than Fetty Wap. I do not like this music. Actually, the album “Gangsta Music Chopped and Screwed” has good tracks, but who ever met a chopped and screwed track they didn’t like? The burps are disturbing and the drink is red and sticky and so are my lips. Very gross but not as bad as it looks.

Overall rating- C

Steel Reserve Hard Pineapple Flavor

I was prepared for a disgusting drink- again- not bad. All these things kind of taste like Mike’s Hard Lemonade. It’s only 8%. Most beers at my bar are of a similar strength. What happened to high gravity malt liquor? This shit is pretty good. Again- would drink on purpose if I was already drinkin’ and there was nothing else on hand. Suddenly my eyes lose focus and I’m thinking about my dead mother. Lil Boosie seems like a profound thinker. The song is called “Cocaine Fever.”

This is a tall can and I’m beginning to feel weird. In real life I’m not permitted sugar. It makes me brash. I can absolutely imagine goosing a friend right now. For no reason. Also I would grab and bite a stranger’s penis.

I had to stop listening to Lil Boosie. Overwhelming urge to listen to UGK chopped and screwed.

Moving on to the Schlitz High Gravity “The Bull” 24 oz. can. It’s not a crazy gross flavored thing, just 8.5% malt liquor. I got it because my name is Toro so I like bull themed stuff. Ever notice how everyone thinks their birthday is the best day? Like 4/20 and your own birthday are the days most people prefer. So I like stuff with bulls on it. Because I’m Toro. Don’t worry, I think that’s pathetic too. But I think we’re all pathetic.

This beer is making me tired. UGK is sick. I am thinking about when I ran a college bar and how much I hate white children. I was once a white child. I wish an adult had made me listen to “Ass and Titties” as a kid. Did you know I didn’t like Wu-Tang until I was 18? I’m from western Massachusetts. What do you expect? White people are everywhere and we want to colonize you. The bill tastes like wheat and sugar made a liquid baby, and that baby looked at you and made you realize your entire life has been a waste.

Rap Snacks

Fetty Wap chips: Not great. Very sweet. Not bad. Lots of sugar. Too sweet. Fetty Wap blew it. Lil Boosie said “Dick A Make You Do Some Shit.” I love Lil Boosie. His chips are the best. Far superior to the Fetty Wap chip. The Fetty Wap chip is no good. Fetty Wap is a liar. Also they spelled jalapeño like “jalapeno” not jalapeño.