One Sentence Album Reviews by Jacob Shelton

Blossoms - Charlemagne - Virgin EMI

The musical equivalent of a pumpkin spice latte.

Alessia Cara - Know-It-All - Def Jam Recordings

The perfect soundtrack to committing suicide in a Target bathroom.

J Hus - The 15th Day

Who can we blame all this middle of the road bullshit hip hop on? ISIS? Man, fuck ISIS.

Rat Boy - Sign On - Hometown Records

The songs are pretty cool, but I'm disappointed it wasn't recorded by an actual rat/boy hybrid.

Section Boyz - Don't Panic

There are six guys in this group, so I know they can afford more than one synth sound.

Sunn O))) - KANNON - Southern Lord Records

Finally, something upbeat to listen to while I tend my garden under the full moon.

Paranoid London - Paranoid London - Paranoid London LTD

This album reminds me of smoking meth in the summer and driving around with the heat turned all the way up.

Girlpool - Before The World Was Big - Wichita Recordings

I feel like I would like this band's music a lot more if we were friends or if someone hit me in the head with a brick.

Fred Thomas - All Are Saved - Polyvinyl

Like if your fuck up uncle had a band, but cooler.

Eskimeaux - O.K. - Double Double Whammy

I dare you to convince me this isn't a Tegan and Sara cover band.

Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Multi-Love - Jagjaguwar

These guys sound like they're auditioning to write the next Miley Cyrus album.

If you want Jacob to review your album/EP/single/whatever - email him here. If you just want to call him a fuckhead or whatever you can do it on Twitter.