One Sentence Album Reviews

As a Kill Pretty columnist and freelance writer I’m tasked with typing millions of words a day. Expecting me to take more than ten minutes to review all of the new music that’s come out in the last week/month/decided upon amount of time is Dickensian. If you’d like me to spend more time with your album please email sup@killprettymagazine.com to set up a specific amount of cash that you’d be willing to spend on a nice review and we’ll take care of the rest.

U2 – songs of innocence
Most of the chatter about this album was based on its release strategy rather than the music which is probably a good thing. 

D'Angelo and The Vanguard - Black Messiah
This album is mostly scatting. While it wasn’t worth years of online speculation, it is excellent music to put on while you’re cleaning your apartment.

Charli XCX - Sucker 
I just found out that Ms. XCX is English, which doesn’t really have anything to do with her nationality devoid music but now it’s all I can think about. How do her parents feel about her lack of accent? How does the Queen feel? How do the members of Queen feel? I will never listen to the album again. 

Wu-Tang Clan – A Better Tomorrow
A lot of white people love to wear Wu-Tang shirts but I don’t know if that means they needed to release a new album. Although they do seem to have a bright future as outerwear merchandisers. 

She & Him – Classics
No one would think any less of you if, upon hearing this album, you said out loud, “this is still a thing?” I know people that like She & Him (two to be exact) and even they think this album is a bit unnecessary. 

Smashing Pumpkins – Monuments to an Elegy
While the title of this album kind of sounds like the name of an early aughts metal core band (all it’s missing is an oddly placed ellipsis) the music is decidedly straightforward. You won’t be getting the Smashing Pumpkins that you know and love but, hey, it’s better than whatever Dave Grohl is doing for the 1000th time.  

Flying Lotus – You’re Dead
Sure, we all like jazz. But no one likes the guy that brags about how much he likes jazz. 

Death Grips – Government Plates
If I’m ever lucky enough to be in a fight that gets posted on Worldstar I hope the editors have the foresight to set the footage to every song on this album played at the same time. 

Sharon Von Etten – Are We There
Was Jeff Buckley reincarnated as Sharon Von Etten? How does reincarnation work? I’ll consult the I Ching. 

Ariel Pink – Pom Pom
Pom Pom is the Yo Gabba Gabba of independent music. The lyrics are baby talk (sample lyric: “Sun tan at the beach, wash your face off with a brick/White freckles are so rad”) and the music is a tolerable wash of analog synths. Parents love this album because it shuts their kids up, people without kids are into it because of ironic detachment or something. Well done Mr. Pink.