Coronavirus is spreading and we’re all being told to take part in social distancing, to stay inside with our streaming services and whatever dry goods we have on hand. If you’re like the staff at Kill Pretty you don’t know how to sit still without wanting to blow your brains out so here are some suggestions to help make your self-quarantine all that much easier.

Wrap Yourself Up Like A Mummy

The importance of toilet paper in a global freakout can’t be overstated. Everyone’s running to the store to packs of 64 ply rolls of this stuff and that’s why you’ve got to have it on you at all time. The easiest way to do this is to wrap yourself from head to toe like a cursed Egyptian corpse.

Never Leave The Grocery Store

Long lines at the grocery store are an unfortunate way of life right now. No matter how much you stock up there’s always going to be something that you forget. Instead of trudging back to the store to grab a lemon or bay leaves the smart money is on staying in the store indefinitely. Pitch a tent, jump from line to line, do what you’ve got to do but don’t walk out of those self-opening doors.

Get Plenty Of Exercise

There’s nothing worse than sitting around your apartment and feeling like a big tub of goo, that’s why you’ve got to exercise. Here at Kill Pretty we like to run as fast as we can towards the walls in our warehouse and throw ourselves into them over and over again. This is great for cardio and agility, and it helps with any sleep problems you might have.

Drink Plenty Of Fluids

It doesn’t matter what you’re drinking as long as it’s liquid: Water, orange juice, Buzz Balls, motor oil. Never don’t be not drinking fluids.

Lose Your Fucking Mind

When this is all over in a year or two (or three or four) do you want to be like everyone else who just comes out of their apartment and goes to the park or whatever? No way. You want to be on the news, you want to be an internet legend. The best thing you can do right now is take as many drugs as you have on hand and absolutely rage inside your apartment, home, or the grocery store where you’re currently living. Eat your own hand, build a tunnel out of Twix wrappers, just do something crazy – that’s the only way you’ll make it through our national nightmare.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.