Resident expert Jacob Shelton knows just about everything about anything, and that’s why he’s the perfect person to review and consider the wide range of topics that are available in this strange, chaotic world.

Summer Holidays - 2/10

Summer holidays, what is the point of you? I know that the Fourth of July is a celebration of winning the right to eat hamburgers and wear shorts even when we don’t have the gams for it, but Labor Day? Wimbledon? Summer Solstice? Get out of here. I don’t need you to have a cook out with my friends, I just need someone to bring ice.

It’s not that the summer holidays are bad; they just don’t do anything for me. When was the last time that someone gave you a Fourth of July gift? If you answered some time within this last century then I would like to meet your friend or family group full of summer loving psychos.

Here are the things that I like about summer holidays: food, day drinking, seeing people who are more attractive than me in bathing suits. However, the things that I dislike about summer holidays outweighs my likes by at least a pound of hamburger. My summer holiday dislikes:

Hot
Dogs Don’t Have A Good Time
The Sun
Boring
No Presents
Too Long
Too Bright
Cheap Hot Dog Smell
There’s a fight that’s worse than a winter holiday fight because it’s hot and everyone is sweaty and not particularly happy with how the day is going,
Sweaty

Summer holidays, consider yourself reviewed.

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