How to Fit into Society by Watching TV!
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1. Watch a lot of TV
Pay careful attention to what is important to the people on the moving box. What do they talk about? What do they not talk about? How are those powerful cosmic beings pretending to be awkward, ineffectual dolts? Pay attention, You'll be doing the same things.
Pay attention to the 'real' names of the people on the box. These are Your new friends. They are going to teach You everything You need to know about living in this society and fitting in. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now that You've watched Kindergarten Cop, and spent a little time with him, do You like him? He's very charming and entertaining isn't he? One likable motherfucker if I do say so myself.
Well guess what? You're not the only one who thinks so. Everyone likes Arnold. Everyone thinks of Arnold as their best drinking buddy. And You do too! So now when You meet someone, you have a friend in common! Ask them if they've seen Kindergarten Cop or if they know your good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger! Your mutual appreciation for your mutual friend Arnold will help cement trust and social credibility. Somewhere deep in the mind of your new friend, they'll be thinking, "If they're good enough to be Arnold's friend, they're good enough to be my friend! A friend of Arnold's is a friend of mine!"
2. Live the TV Life
All that stuff that You weren't seeing on tv? The pissing, shitting, hours upon hours of masturbating, drug-ingesting, std-acquiring, disappointment and crippling depression that has sapped all hope and goodness out of Your life? That shit doesn't exist on tv, so it doesn't exist in Your life anymore. Ask Yourself, "Do the People on television stick needles into the tip of their dicks while they peruse craigslist in a frustrating attempt to find a d.t.f. transexual who's cool with stranger rape-play in a leather mask with zippers on the sides at 3:23am?"
TV land is about tits, teeth, and money. So arch Your back, bleach Your teeth and smile brightly as You march down to the mall and buy something expensive and frivolous! Without using words You'll be letting everyone know much of a well adjusted Roman-Republican You are!
No one will suspect that You're a confused, terrified, mess of insecurities and barely tolerable shame, anger, and rage. They won't know that Your first memorable boner came from watching a spider trap n' wrap a mosquito, and they certainly won't even begin to guess that spider boner knocked Your brain chemicals dominoes down a fatalistic path that inspires You to wrap your dick in cellophane daily and imagine an alien/spider chick hybrid trapping You in her web and force breeding You for life.
3. Violence is only ok when it's state sanctioned
"Aw C'mon Forkface! People kill people all day on tv!"
That's true- but note that when they do, they get sent to a metal box for eternal rape. You don't want that, do You?
"But Forkface, This talking box has got me all jazzed up to commit a little of the old ultra-violence!"
That's totally okay! Do Ya think the world is so cruel as to show us all constant depictions of graphic violence and allow us no way to act them out? The world may be an imperfect 2 dimensional shadow of the flawless television reality it seeks to emulate, but it's not THAT imperfect! Sure.
Those people who get locked in a metal box for killing people, they're BAD GUYS. You can just be a GOOD GUY. Then You can kill and, with the right job, torture the bad guys, get PAID WELL for it, and never never have to get raped in a metal box!
That's right! You can punch the clock at 9am and start electrocuting the testicles of a man who You don't understand, punch out by 5 and be home to Your suburban cul de sac in time to ejaculate all over Your wife's giant cartoon tits and shiny white teeth in time for her to have nachos ready for the Super Bowl party!
See, fitting into society isn't hard! Society has a special place in it's heart for all of it's little snowflakes! You just have to find it! TV is here to help!
Yours Truly,
Forkface Digitalis
