If you’re like me, meaning a person who grew up in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s (which statistically you’ve got to be somewhere in that big ass ball park) then you spent an inordinate amount of time watching movies featuring one Mr. Ernest P. Worrell. You watched as he was “scared stupid” and as he was incarcerated for crimes which he didn’t commit. His film work faded out as children grew callous and tired of this man-child’s adventures, but I feel that it’s time Ernest make a come back and these are the flicks I’d like to watch in the theater, at home on my VCR, and through the windows of my most beautiful neighbors.

1. Ernest Eats The Peach

I don’t really know why I want to see a full movie about Ernest eating the peach, but I do know that I want to see him eat the peach. How hard is it to get the peach? Is it on a special tree? What’s in the peach? If someone would make this movie we could find out.

2. Ernest Opens The Portal To Hell

Sure, Ernest has already been scared straight, but I think it’s time that he opens a portal to hell and has his soul is ripped apart. I don’t hate Ernest, or even dislike him, I just know that I want to see him sent to Hell for his crimes and I would enjoy the many torments waiting for him.

3. Ernest, Chained In the Tunnel

After a lifetime of extreme violence, Ernest P Worrell is chained by his wrists and ankles in the tunnel. Listen to him scream and beg for food and water, what else is in the tunnel with Ernest? Can he escape, or is the only freedom in the release of death?

4. Ernest Caresses The Amulet

No man may keep the amulet, especially not Ernest. Throughout the film Ernest dreams of what he may do with the amulet, the ways he would sleep beneath its haunting glow, the way his tongue would feel against its rough skin. Ernest must caress the amulet, but can he find his way to its caves without completely giving up his sanity?

5. Grand Theft Ernest

Thrill as Ernest takes to the streets of Macho City in a busted up Z78 on a mission from crime boss Tony “Big Fingers” Clamson. Follow along as he beats up prostitutes, steals money, and leads the police on chase after chase. Can he get five stars by the end of the game, I mean movie? There’s only one way to find out and that way is someone making a movie.