Stranger Things this, Stranger Things that. With the premiere of season four of one of the buzziest nostalgia programs ever committed to digital celluloid (a hard drive with a storage space near one, maybe two terabytes) it’s time that I admit the truth. Every time I’ve tried to watch Stranger Things I’ve accidentally pulled up an Al-Qaeda training video. Am I the only one doing this?

July 15, 2016

Texts from friends and enemies alike poured in on what we all recognize to be one of the most monumental dates in human history - the premiere of Stranger Things season one. Every message (I wish I’d saved them) implored me to download the 1980s referencing horror content into my brain, but after accidentally watching a 27 minute Al-Qaeda beheading video I gave up on my quest.

October 10, 2016

With the growing excitement around spooky season I decided to once again give season one of Stranger Things a shot. Friends and loved ones have explained that the series is scary in a kind of Gremlings meets American Werewolf in England kind of way so I said what the heck and pressed play on episode one. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I’d once again streamed nearly an hour of Al-Qaeda beheading videos that were nearly absent of whimsy.

October 27, 2017

I was determined to catch up with Stranger Things on the date of its season three premiere. Somehow my remote’s wires were crossed and I ended up watching a multi-hour supercut of Al-Qaeda’s “best kills.” I don’t know why these kills were considered the “best,” but there was one beheading with a bicycle chain that was inventive if not exciting.

July 4, 2020

With no plans to celebrate the birth of America due to the state mandated lockdown I attempted to blaze through the first three seasons of Stranger Things. With nowhere to go, nothing to do, and a pile of hot dogs at my disposal I plopped down in front of my Netflix machine and hit play. Unless the plot of this beloved teen horror series is wildly different than my expectations, I ended up streaming hours of beheading footage from Al-Qaeda. If my last viewing gaff was a supercut of “best kills,” this episode was more of a blooper reel. Heads were left hanging by their spinal columns, militia members pretended to use household items to behead insurgents instead of machetes, one man wore a clown nose. That sort of thing.

May 27, 2022

It’s happened again. I pressed play on Season Four, Episode One of Stranger Things on Netflix (I think?), and at first I thought that I was being treated to a little catch up of the first three seasons. Nope. Instead, I watched hour after hour of beheadings without one dang appearance by Millie Bobby Brown or Finn Wolfhard. Mark my words. One day I will see Stranger Things and it will be glorious.

You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.